community bulletin board Dear Laura: First off, I am delighted that I found your wonderful website! On February 12, 2000, I lost my sister, Anita - we called her "AJ" - to emphysema. We were very close, and I am having a difficult time with this loss. I am a middle-aged woman, as was my sister. Although she was older (we were both middle-aged when she passed), we favored each other to the point where some people thought we were twins - I think this makes the loss even harder. She was my sister, my mentor, my friend, and my mom, since we lost our mother many years ago. She had one daughter, my niece (an adult in her early 30's), who disowned me the minute my sister was put on a respirator and brought to the ICU. My family (aunts, uncles, cousins), for the most part, refuse to talk about my sister, so family gatherings are excrutiating. When I bring my sister's name up, they change the subject. Luckily, I am in a bereavement support group, and it helps a lot. Otherwise, I'd be totally lost. Although I'm doing better than I was a few months ago, I realize I'm still swimming in a sea of grief. Not being able to talk to family members is very, very hard. Many of them are elderly, and they don't seem to understand what I am going through, even though they were close to my sister and are grieving too. Is there anything that might help me with these family relationships? Anything you can say would be helpful, I'm sure. Thank you, and God bless! [Joan] Dear Joan: Even in a family, just as in other groups where we find ourselves a member(see letter below), some people just don't know what to say or do when a tragedy occurs. You, being the one closest to your sister, naturally, are the one most affected by her death. The rest of the family might not have been that close to her, or could just be demonstrating their inability to adequately express their emotions... or you may require more comforting than they are cabable of providing - as such, it's good that you've found an outside source of emotional support. Rather than trying to change your family members - especially the elderly ones - it looks like it's going to have to be up to you to see that you get the emotional support which you deserve even if you have to look outside the family. We wish you well. Laura Dear Laura: I recently returned to work after the death of my mother. There are many co-workers who have failed to address the recent events with me or offer any verbal support. In fact, with some people, I feel like I have a contagious disease. This has left me feeling dumbfounded and hurt. Can you explain? [Shirley] Dear Shirley: People can be very clumsy when it comes to expressing their emotions. Not knowing what to say, they often may avoid the issue entirely. Or, especially at work, these people might be acquaintances more than true friends, and, as such, may not know what you need to hear - they could be afraid of saying the wrong thing and making you feel even worse. Also, acknowledging the fact that someone whom they know has been touched by death can be frightening at a subconscious level - so they avoid it... And, finally, this is a very intense emotional issue; it's only a true friend who's going to be able to give you the depth of emotional support that you may be seeking - it takes a lot of effort to really be there for someone - you could be looking in the wrong place for any real comfort.  Sorry to say, but it looks like it's going to be up to you to put your co-workers at ease. Try to return to your normal routine. Engage them in normal conversation. With time, they should loosen up, and some of them may then feel comfortable about discussing your loss with you. Laura Dear Laura: I have to tell my 4-year-old daughter about a close neighbor who just died, "Grandma Connie."  Where do I start? [anon.] Dear anon: Tell her in terms that she will understand. Let her know that when our bodies are badly damaged or that when we get really, really old our bodies die. If she wants to know where Grandma Connie has gone, it will be up to you and how you have educated her spiritually up to this point. If there has been discussion of heaven in your home, then you could reassure her that she has gone to a happy place now that she has lived a full and productive life. If no such family spiritual tradition or discussion has existed prior to this, then you may just want to say that you don't know, but that you trust that God will take care of her. As with any serious discussion with a child, don't offer more than the child asks. Answer her questions simply and with reference to things which are already familiar to her; let her questions lead your answers. Laura Dear Laura: I am the owner of an Early Childhood Education Center. We, currently, have two three-year-old children that recently lost their father/uncle in a tragic accident where a car he was working on at home fell on him. He was buried yesterday. Against everyone's advice, the mothers of these children did not let them participate in any of the services. We are told that they have not been told that he is gone. They are now seeking our help in working with their children. We have explained that we are not skilled in this area and will need to get some assistance. Due to financial constraints for the family and the school, we are looking for any services that will help these children as well as their classmates understand what has happened. Please advise. [Janna] Dear Jana:  You could contact a local hospital and ask if they know of any psychologist or psychiatrist in the your area who might be willing to contribute some free counseling to the children and/or guidance to the parents. If you find that you are going to have to go it alone, then, because of the circumstances, this is going to be tricky. Unlike the letter directly above yours, you are dealing with many children from many different families. I don't know if you want to involve the other children in the class in a discussion of what has happened - they are very young, also, you might not be able to predict how their parents might react. You would want to send a letter to all the other parents and first get their feedback if you are planning on any type of group activity; though, if you find that the children are talking about what has happened on their own, then you may be forced to sit them down together and let them express their feelings(listening to them, you also would be able to gauge their level of understanding as to what has happened and be better able to help them emotionally). Dealing with just the two children directly affected is going to be a bit easier, but you do need to be in communication with their parents. There needs to be an agreement as to how you will handle this together - insist on this. Much of what has to be done, should be done at home and within the family. The children do need to be told of their father/uncle's death, but in an age-appropriate way(see letter above). Just as with adults, children need a sense of closure, a way of saying good-bye. Suggest to the family that they arrange - as a family - for the children to attend their own, private little memorial service. The children could be taken to the grave site - or even the family backyard - and allowed to lay flowers or pictures(which they could draw) for their father/uncle. However you decide to handle this, one thing any of the children will need is lots of reassurance and affection. Hugs and kind words can go a long way to comforting a child's fears and letting them know that they still will be loved and cared for. Good luck. Laura _______________________________ Dear Laura:  How long does grieving last? Do you ever get over the loss? I can't stop crying, and it's been 7 months since my daughter died. [anon.] Dear Laura: Is there a set time period for excessive grieving to be over? It seems that it only gets worse with me because of "memories." [anon.] Dear writers: You will always miss your loved ones, but that intense feeling of loss and sorrow will fade with time - how soon this will happen, though, depends upon you; you're going to have to want to be happy again. This, in no way, means that you must forget your loved one. On the contrary, the memories of those special times with them are what can now give your life meaning and direction. If you feel that you cannot, on your own, snap yourself out of this deep well of sorrow, please seek outside help. We all have to face loss at some time in our lives. Know that you are not alone. Laura _______________________________ Dear Laura: My husband, Roy, passed away June 2. We had a long and happy marriage - really not long enough. He was having bypass surgery for the second time.He did have one of the very best doctors, and he was give a 95 percent chance of recovery. He never even woke up again from the surgery. My shock and sadness are horrible. I miss him so very much. I do have four sons and grandchildren, but, right now, nothing is giving me comfort. It has not been long, but I have had a few people tell me I just have to try harder to get over this. I can't. I wake each morning hoping that it will be a better day. I dread the days and the nights too. I want to touch him once more, just hear his voice. Some days, I think I'm dying too. Right now, I can't see what is left for me. Please, I need to talk with someone who understands. [Sally] Dear Sally: You were married for so long, it's only natural for you to feel as though a part of your self has died  - but you have to do something decisive to break out of this depression. It's good that you've taken that first, important step by reaching out for help; you do need someone to talk to in order to work your way through all these confusing feelings of sadness and despair. I'd suggest that you seek professional counseling or a grief support group rather than going to your family and friends - whoever told you to just try harder is not the one you should be confiding in - grief and sorrow, as we both know, are much more complicated than that. Laura Dear Laura: I've been dealing with a lot of grief this past year. I've written to you, Laura, and you've given me good advice. I would like to talk to people online that are going through similar things. How do I talk to some of the people that write you? [anon.] Dear anon:  If you or anyone else puts their email address within their message to me and indicates that they want their address made public, I can post your email address along with your message.(Just filling out the homepage form is not enough; these form messages are sent to me as from anonymous.) We purposefully have not set up a bulletin board on this site, since messages to a bulletin board are posted automatically, and, due to the sensitive nature of our topics, we need to screen all messages before posting to weed out crank mail - and we do get some really weird, prank letters, as you can well imagine. Laura Dear Laura: Recently, my mother told me a problem of hers, one that bothered her very much. It has to do with a dream she's having, but she will not tell me the dream. I want to help her badly but there's only so much I can do with the information I have. She says she doesn't want to tell anyone - she has issues with trust, and all I know is this concerns that matter. I know she opened up to someone she trusted and they betrayed her. She now has dreams about the person and nightmares concerning all types of strange events. I try to help and it seems like I'm getting nowhere. She's reluctant to tell me because I'm young still, and she feels she's putting her burdens on me. I want to help and not knowing and being little use is making me depressed. I feel awful and useless. All I want is her happiness. And I, myself, have been haunted with strange dreams all my life. Like, I have had dreams where the haunting situations come true or they are already happening behind my back. I also had a dream recently where a strange man who was supposed to be my mother's lawyer persued me in the dream. He was older and really intimidating. He also had strange dark eyes and marble-like teeth. This dream scared me out of my sleep. My mother as well as my grandmother are known for having dreams that "predict" events or give clues to the events happening around them. Could I have somehow inherited some gift? [C.G.] Dear CG: You may not be able to get your mother to open up to you, but what you can do, at least, is be nice to her and make life easier for her in other ways. This can help to lighten her burden indirectly. As for your dreams, it seems that you might have inherited a gift for prediction. This is not to say that you can read people's minds or that you can see the future before it happens, but that you have a natural insight into people and can see what the inevitable outcome of their actions must be. Some people are born wiser than their years as well as very sensitive to their surroundings. This is nothing to be afraid of but, rather, a gift that should be embraced and developed. You must learn to accept your own wisdom, insight, and feelings rather than ignore them. Intuition ignored during the day will often return in dreams at night - and the imagery of dreams, while harmless in itself, can often be very frightening. So, keep a journal of your daily thoughts and feelings; analyze what your intuition is telling you. With time and practice, you will learn to better read the subtle messages that you are receiving: messages that, when properly understood, can only help you as you go through life. Laura Dear Laura: Recently, my family has been split three ways by petty disagreements. They are the type of personalities that will not yield to anyone unless it's under their own terms. They're also the kind who all have different terms. I am in the middle. My philosophy has always been to be there for everyone and not involve myself with the family laundry. So far so good, but even that gets me in tight situations. Trust shouldn't be a bad thing but it's sure sending me into depression. Everyone trusts me with their thoughts(good or bad) and everything else. I try my best to keep peace and help but I'm seventeen years old. And while I am considered wise beyond my years and have proven efficient, I still know you can't please everyone. I'm stuck and the middle and on everyone's wanted list. It's becoming burdensome and really depressing. I figure if I can see past this whole disagreement why can't those twice my age see? And the reason for the divide is very silly. It's all about rumors and he say she say. It's the stuff schoolyard fights are made of. It leaves me wondering why do some adults act like children. [C.G. again] Dear CG: Part of developing the gift which we spoke of in the letters above is knowing when and how to use it. You'll have to learn to ration your help to others, or you'll soon find that you've become mentally worn down by the demands and expectations put upon you. This can be especially difficult when dealing with family members who may either discount your gift outright, or who believe in your ability but then expect you to be there at their beck and call. It's no coincidence that wise men are always pictured as living alone in a cave somewhere on a mountaintop - we don't want you to have to resort to that, but you're going to have to learn to distance yourself a bit from the squabbles of those around you and offer your advise only when and where it will be accepted and do the most good. Laura Dear Laura: My mom is in critical condition and I will be leaving tomorrow AM to visit her. How do I explain all of this to my 3-year-old daughter? I don't want her to think that when you get sick you die. [Mark] Dear Mark: A child of about two cannot comprehend what death is, a child of about four to six will have a literal(we die when our bodies are badly damaged or we get very, very old) but still limited understanding of death. Three is hard for me to say. You know your child best and her level of mental development.The main thing a young child in either age group will react to is the behavior of the important people around him/her. A child can sense the anxiety, sadness, and tension in the home and will react more to this than the death itself. You are correct not to want her to associate death with going to sleep or going to the hospital or just being sick. You could emphasize that your mother is very, very old and that is why you are concerned. Other than that, you should be guided by your daughter's questions and not offer more than she asks. The main thing is for her to see that you will still be there for her. Children of this age can be very self-centered and are thus worried most about who will care for them. (I am not saying that she should not witness an adult crying. This can be a good thing as she will learn that we can be sad but still survive our sadness. What she should not witness is the total emotional collapse of a caregiver, though.) Laura Dear Laura: Don't know how to begin... it's been almost 3 years since my husband died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 44. We were only married for a short time but, truly, he was my soul mate. Our children were 2 years and 4 months old at the time of his death. Things have gotten better but I feel like the only thing I am living for are my children. They give me true joy but so often I feel empty and drained. I know my life has been changed and altered by his death, but when does the despair go away? [S.C.N.] Dear SCN: The despair will last as long as you keep putting your life on hold.Your husband was your soul mate, but that does not have to mean that you cannot love again. You are still a young woman and have much to offer - do not limit yourself. I am not suggesting that you should be desperate to form any new, romantic connection, but that you just open yourself to the possibility of letting someone else in your life. If you try to be happy, if you join with other people in group activities, you will meet someone special again. I definitely sense that there is someone out there who is just right for you, but the two of you may never meet if you let your sadness get in the way of you being yourself. What was special about you and attracted your late husband in the past is still there if only you would let yourself shine again. Laura Dear Laura: After someone dies, I get so scared that I will see them in my house; I have terrible nightmares if I even fall asleep. I get terrified even if it was a person that I loved deeply; I feel like they will haunt me. [anon.] Dear anon: You're afraid of death, not of the person who has died. It is very common to take one's vague fear of death and attach it to something else: to something concrete, such as a person or place. There are no ghosts that come to haunt you at night, only your own fears. If you can come to accept that this is what's happening with you psychologically, then you'll have taken that first step towards ridding yourself of this needless worry. Laura Go to index of current message topics. Return to homepage.