community bulletin board Dear Laura: Hi, I have some questions regarding how one goes about dealing with a terminally-ill parent. My mom is a diabetic who has had just about every complication that can come from the disease: out-of-control blood pressure, heart problems, almost total blindness and poor circulation. Last year alone, she underwent heart surgery, multiple eye surgeries, a nasty kidney infection, the flu - and to top it off - suffered a severely broken leg. She's recovered pretty well from the surgeries and the broken leg mended but what I'm most concerned about is her circulatory system shutting down. She's told me that this condition doesn't get better and that her doctor estimates her life expectancy to be not much more than 5 years. That was a little over a year ago... and I've been avoiding dealing with it, up until now. I have to do something because it's beginning to effect my everyday life and my marriage. I suppose I'm dealing with pre-grief, if there is such a thing. The hardest part is I feel SO, SO bad for her and SO completely helpless. My mom is not married, I'm her only kid and I live in another state, so she's basically all alone.(Though she does have some wonderful, caring friends who look after her; and for them I'm very grateful.) I feel guilty that I can't be there more for her. I guess the worst part is knowing that any day in the near future I'll receive a phone call informing me that my mom has died. This is hard to deal with. I've come to terms that my mom is going to die, but this state of limbo and waiting is really messing me up. Do you have any suggestions to help me? Do you know of any professionals or support groups in Portland, Oregon that may be able to offer some insights? Everything I find is geared toward grief AFTER the person has died, not the period during. Any advice would be appreciated as I'm about at the end of my rope.Thank you. [anon.] Dear anon: I'm in Colorado, but I hunted about on the Internet and found a State of Oregon senior resource site that might at least be a starting point for you. Another idea would be to contact an Alzheimer's support group in your area and see what ideas they might be able to give you - they would be familiar with family member and caregiver support issues and resources. And, yes, there is such a thing as pre-grief that can be harder in some ways than the grief which comes later: first off, there's no one event yet to grieve; and it seems to go on forever, thus, people don't know what to say or do after their initial expressions of sympathy... But, do go check these ideas out. What you're going through can be very draining, both physically and emotionally. You need to talk to someone on an ongoing basis so that you can go the distance. Laura Dear Laura: Am I in any way morally responsible to care for my aging mother, who resumed living with my second step-father after he was released from prison for molesting me as a child? My brother has disowned her, and I am her only other child. My mother is now 75 years old and is also deaf. I have maintained contact with her through the years, but have no respect for her and do not feel her living with our family would work out for several reasons. Thank you for your response. [Karen] Dear Karen: Was your mother in any way responsible for your molestation? Now that you are an adult, can you see how she might have been a victim also?  If you can say yes to the first and no to the second, then you really owe her nothing. I don't want to seem mean, but it's the old story of what would we do with Hitler if we found him still alive. He would be old and feeble now: how would we treat him? would we want to forget his sins? ignore him? punish him? just because someone is old, does that mean we have to pretend that nothing happened? If you owe her nothing, then it comes down to this: what sort of person are you and how do you want to react? If you feel that, on principle, you would want to take the high road and see that she is cared for - but not in your own home - then that would be your choice. You could also decide that it would be better to cut all ties with her. It's up to you since you best know the details of your family history. Just make sure that, whatever decision you make, it's one which you can live with and that it's made out of principle, not out of anger. Don't let your past ruin your present and the good person that you've become. Laura Dear Laura: A very good friend of mine lost her mother two months ago. I called her last night but she still feels the grief of her mother. She was very close with her. I would very much want to help her. Do you have any suggestions? I would be very happy if you're able to help her. Thank you and God bless, Mary Jo. Dear Mary Jo: Well, two months is not really a very long time. Some people can feel the pain for years. The main thing is that it not be affecting her daily life. Does she still get out, go to work, etc.? If she's functioning, but still sad inside, then the best thing that you can do is what you seem to already be doing: be there for her, let her talk, let her cry - just be a good friend. But do keep an eye on her; if you see that she's retreating within herself, try to pull her back into life. This will pass with time, and the gentle efforts of a good friend like you. Laura Dear Laura: My daughter's grandma passed away on May 21st after a long battle with Alzheimer's disease. She was my mother, and lived with us until I couldn't care for her anymore. I placed her in a convalescent home approx. 7 years ago. My daughter, who is 13, and I would go on weekends to visit my mother at the home. When she passed, she was there to experience the whole death process, along with the rest of the family. Now, one month later, for two consecutive nights, she has told me she hears voices. The first night was two nights ago: at around 1:00 am, she was still watching TV in her room when she heard someone whisper "Hey, hey, hey." The night after that, she says she heard children giggling and whispering. The whispers were too low for her to make out what was being said. This also happened at around 1:30 am. Because she is out of school for the summer, she apparently has stayed up late watcing TV after me and my husband go to sleep. My question would be: should I be concerned that she is being affected by the death of her grandmother? Are her sleepness nights also a problem? What should I do. Who can I turn to? I have asked her and she denies having any problem with the whole experience. She cannot explain the mystery of the voices. [anon.] Dear anon: You need to sit down with your daughter and find out what's troubling her. Physical symptoms are a good indicator of underlying problems, but you need to weed out the actual from the coincidental - is she staying up late because she's on vacation, or is she actually having trouble sleeping? Give her the opportunity to discuss her feelings about her grandmother's death and illness. She may be even more upset about her grandmother's Alzheimer's than her death - she could be concerned that she might face the same end - not a pleasant thought for any of us, especially a 13-year-old. I have a feeling that she's been overwhelmed emotionally by all of this. She's at a very psychologically vulnerable point in her life. Your daughter's moving from the world of childhood to that of an adult, and, now, to have to face such heavy, adult issues could be too much for her mind to process. She needs your help and guidance, or that of someone who has experience counseling adolescents. About the voices: this could all be part of her general state of agitation and worry. But then, she says that the experience does not bother her... If the voices persist, even after she has come to terms with her grandmother's passing, it might be something that the family may want to investigate from a spiritual perspective. She may, at some level, be in communication with her grandmother. But, for now, I would see that you address her worries; they should be your primary concern. Laura Dear Laura: My mother passed away yesterday morning, June 28th, 2000. She had been very sick for the last 4 years with emphysema and lung problems. Half the time she couldn't breathe. I keep waiting for her to show up and say good-bye to me but, so far, nothing. Maybe I'm just hoping things will be like the movies: where the soul or ghost of a person is always there, keeping watch over the family members who are still alive. I've cried for my loss; but, for the most part, I am better off denying it - less crying, less headache. I asked my father for  some of my mothers ashes, so I can put them into a locket and always keep my mother close to me. Some people think this is morbid, but I don't care. I miss her so much, and I wish I would have spent more time with her, wish I would have talked with her more. Life is a funny thing... if life is supposed to be so great, then why do I feel so sad? I will always keep you in my heart, Mom. [anon.] Dear anon: The reason that you feel so sad is that you have lost something so precious: the more wonderful the gift, the deeper the feeling of loss. This is only natural and to be expected - if your mother meant nothing to you, then you would feel no pain. Would you have never wanted to know your mother's love? - I think not... And, it's good that you want to keep a memento of your mother with you; there is nothing morbid about it. Right now, you're in the very first stages of grief. You're in shock, you're in denial; but it will pass. You need to hang in there for the next couple of days and weeks, and trust that your heartache will ease - though you must take an active part in the process; denying the pain will not make it go away. I know that it's hard right now, but you'll eventually have to face the fact that your mother has passed on. Acceptance is the only way that you will ever be at peace and whole again. But, do not despair - your mother is with you even as you read this. We are less able to sense the spiritual when we are in a state of agitation and hopelessness - sadness has a way of blocking those faint messages from the spiritual side of existence. (And, no, it's not like in the movies. You'll know that she is with you much like you know that there is someone in another room. It's very subtle, but very real.) We want you to come to terms with your mother's passing, not so that you can forget about her and just "get on with your life," but so that you can calm your mind and your soul. You're having trouble sensing her presence because of your extreme sadness. In time, you will be able to feel her near you. So, be hopeful... Our prayers are with you; others have gone through this and survived - you will too. Laura Dear Laura: I'm a 38-year-old male, and my father died within the past year. Although we had big problems getting along, since his death I've found that I spend a vast amount of my waking hours arguing with my dead father, whom I have chosen to despise for being abusive. Please point me in the right direction. [anon.] Dear anon: You should begin that second sentence with because rather than although. There are a lot of unresolved issues between you and your father that are eating at you - but you need to be addressing these arguments to yourself and not to him. You've gotten yourself into an unproductive cycle of what if's and should have's that you need to break out of. You have the insight to be able to do this - writing this letter shows that. So, take an honest look at your life - where you came from; where you are, now, as an adult - and ask yourself what you want to do with the rest of your life. I suggest that you continue this process either on your own or with a therapist. You owe it to yourself to move beyond the pain of your childhood. Laura Dear Laura: My wife lost her father a few years ago and I really feel that she and her family need to find some closure. I know one never forgets, but this has cost me my wife and daughter - you see, she left me and I am really searching why. I am a good man and a Christian and I feel so lost without my wife and little girl in my life. She said she doesn't want a divorce, but I have 3 more years in the military and I just want my family to love each day at my side. [anon.] Dear anon: The death of a parent can be a turning point in a person's life, causing them to reassess their own life. But you need to tell me more. Have you promised your wife before that this would be your last three years in the military? With her father's death, she may be wanting more of a traditional, stable family life - not a promised, some-day event, but now. Being a military wife can be stressful - does she know that you understand her sacrifices? This is the best that I can do with the little information that you've provided. The only thing I can say is that people leave for a reason; and you, upon reflection, may already know why. Laura Dear Laura: I lost my younger sister two weeks ago today. My fiancé feels I should be past more of the grief than I am. When do I start feeling better? This was not an unexpected loss, and I am trying to help her 6-year-old daughter through the process as well. It simply still hurts.[N.H.] Dear NH: No one can say how long we should grieve; two weeks is not a very long time. You will feel better eventually, but on your own schedule, at your own pace. If it's not interfering with you going about your daily activities, there should be no reason for concern. You have much to sort out emotionally, along with the added responsibility of your little niece. We wish you well, and hope that you receive in the future more understanding from your fiancé than you seem to be getting right now. Laura Dear Laura: Thank you for helping me start my journey of healing. You were the first to admit my Paul( 21-year-old, brain damage/seizures, etc.)did have a hard life. I needed to accept that, then move on. I feel better, but still go up and down. I can't go to church because I'm angry at God, or angry because my belief in a God disappeared. Why would a God help some but not others?? [Nancy] Dear Nancy: None of us really knows why things happen the way they do. We are learning more and more about how the natural world works - though we may never be able to completely control it. What we can control is how we react to the world. If things go well for us, do we react with generosity to others, with modesty, or with vanity and arrogance? If things go badly, do we forever remain dejected and without hope, or do we show courage and strength of character? I keep telling people to read a very good, little book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I would recommend that you do so. Nancy, we do not want you to give up hope or be angry at God. It would help if you could come to see the world not as a place where some people are helped while others are unfairly punished, but as a place where you, as a mortal being, happen to find yourself; and, that, with God's help, can make your way through whatever comes with dignity and courage. Laura From a visitor: Dear Nancy, I don't know how long ago you posted your letter on line, but I was very moved when I read it. Although, I don't have anybody handicapped in my family, I was born into a family with a horrible genetic disease (Huntington's). I not only watched my father and my grandmother become total invalids and die, I watched several aunts, uncles and cousins die. I'm 43 years old, and I never married or had a child because of this disease. Now, I'm having symptoms of the disease, too. My sister may also have it, as well as her 4-year-old daughter (She was the only one in our entire family who ever decided to go through with a pregnancy). I have lived with "sickness" and "death" all of my life, and if there is anyone who understands "anger at God," I do. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. You have every right to feel that way. If even one person has to experience more tragedy in this life than another person, then God is not fair. Sometimes I feel like I've been angry all my life - with good reason. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I have a feeling if you have any background in religion, it's probably the fundamentalist Christianity that is basically all we have in this country. My advise to you is to expand your mind and search other religions. Step out of the "garden" into the "forest." There's a whole world out there and "beliefs" that are so much more mature than the Christian faith, and you will find answers there. Christianity does not have those answers (and they'll basically get disgusted with you for questioning or needing those answers). People who have been through very little cannot understand why someone in your situation can't just "accept God's will" and smile and make the best of it. Study the eastern religions and the theory of reincarnation. Read Michael Newton's book "Journey of Souls." Also, "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsch. You may not believe everything they say, but they'll provide you with some answers and make you think about things the mainline churches have never even considered. They'll answer the question of why some people experience so much while others experience so little. As angry as I have been in this life, I believe that I helped make the choices for my life and will get another chance and have easier lifetimes and will make the choices again. That may sound crazy to you at this point, but do some searching, and don't pay any attention to what anybody might say or think because you need to understand. There are answers. Sincerely, Leisa. From Nancy: Dear Leisa(visitor for Nancy), thank you for taking the time to share with me. You must be a very strong and wonderful person to be able to think of others after what you have been through. Your letter meant a lot to me and was right on! The Catholic faith doesn't mean anything any more. At this time(Paul died 2 years ago), I get comfort from people like you and reading books the Dali Lama has written. I will read the books you suggested. I just purchased Crossing the Rainbow Bridge by Dr. Laura. I never questioned God before and realizing it really makes no sense is hard. I hope, like you, to find answers.The hardest thing is knowing how hard Paul's life seemed to be, yet I gained so much from having him in my life. I wish I could help you in some way. My e-mail is ecarbonnea@aol.com if you would like to be in touch. Thank you again. Nancy (Webmaster:These under-lined names like the "Leisa" above are links to pages or mailto links. Put your mouse pointer over them to see what they link to. If you would click on the Leisa above, an attached email program on your computer should start you off composing a letter to pai@pai.org) Dear Laura: I found this site a few weeks back after the death of my mother, the most wonderful friend and person in the world to me. I lost track of it, but needed it today more than I can tell you. I surfed a bit and I was able to find it again - I know my mom helped me. I am so, so sad and lost. When I read your words about the "never" of it all, it hit me so strongly. But I have to say, when she first died, I did feel her presence. I did feel her with me when I was in my car, or sometimes when I visited her grave. I have so much grief for so many things. I have had one tragedy after another for the last nine months. Last October, I found out I was pregnant for the first time at age 40. My husband was horrified when I told him; said he had considered divorce for the last year. We had been trying. How could he say that? Well, he was having an affair with a 23-year-old, married woman he worked with.  My mom listened to me and comforted me during this time. She wanted my baby even more than I did. It was what she always wanted for me. I confronted my husband about the affair in January. He said it was stupid and it was over. (Over that past horrible time, he had said he was in a depression, I guess that's why). Even though he stayed with me, he did nothing to help rebuild our marriage. In January, I lost my baby at 20 weeks due to early labor (premature rupture of the membranes). This hurt me so badly, but it hurt my poor mom even more deeply. I know the emotional toll contributed to her ultimate illness and death, on May 9th. When she was dying -  about a week before - she made her peace with God and with all of us - though that was not really like it sounds as we all were so lucky as a family knowing how much we all loved each other. We talked about it often, not just a deathbed scene. Anyway, she called me close to her and said, "Promise me you won't cry, Nora." I looked into her eyes and told her I couldn't promise that as losing her would be devastating to me as she was "the most wonderful thing in my life." Then she said, "Then be happy for me. I'm going home to God. I will miss all of you and I hate like hell (she was a spitfire, too) to leave my family, but I'm ready to go home. And, me and Anna (my baby who died - she lived for about 5 minutes) are going to make plans for you." My marriage is still very troubled, but I just found out I am pregnant again. I so believe this is a gift from my mom. I just need prayers that my husband will change and be the man I knew him to be when we married. Thank you for your beautiful website. I would love to hear from anyone who connects with a loved one. I need my mom so desperately. This is my only hope to be able to survive this most difficult time in my life. I would also be glad to hear from others who need my support. Thank you. I can be reached at noraortego@ivillage.com Dear Laura: My son was killed in a car accident last October. He was 19 years old and my oldest of 5 children. He and I were very close, as was he to his brothers and sister. I miss him very much. I think about him every second of every day. I think I can admit that I don't cry as often, but there are some days that are really hard. I know that he knew I loved him and I know he loved me because we all say it to each other a lot. I feel, sometimes, that it's time for him to come home, that maybe he's been gone long enough and it's just time for him to come home now. [Wish He Was Home] Dear Laura: My son, 19, was killed in a car accident this past October. He was ejected from the vehicle and it rolled on his head. According to the coroner, it was a very quick death and he died of open head trauma. What I am dealing with, along with the overhelming grief and missing him terribly, is that no one would let me see him. The doctors advised I didn't, the funeral home advised I didn't, because they couldn't "fix" him (his head). We live in a small community and most of the professionals mentioned above are friends of mine or close acquaintances of mine, and I know they were just trying to protect me. I just don't know if I did the right thing. It really bothers me that I didn't see him or get a chance to help him in some way or make it better. I am thankful that when I think of my son every second of every day that I think of him in his senior-class picture or how he was, and not how he might have looked after the accident. Thanks for listening and for any response. [written by(?) Wish He Was Home] Dear writer: You say that you are thankful that you can remember your son as he was before the accident - I think you know, deep inside, that there was nothing you could have done and that your friends were right to have shielded you. But I am worried that you are not getting the proper emotional care that you deserve. The sadness in your letter is so heavy - it's even making me feel sad just reading it. Please see to it that you get some counseling to help you move through your grief. While it's true that you will always miss your son deeply, you should not have to be suffering so. Even after such a terrible loss, you will, with the proper guidance, be able to get out of this harmful cycle of sadness and endlessly thinking about the circumstances surrounding his death. Think of your son as you remember him. He is in heaven, but he must be so worried about you - you know he wants you to be happy again. Do this for him. Laura Go to index of current message topics. 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