community bulletin board Dear Laura: I hope you can help us. My 15-year-old son died suddenly on May 20,1999. We lost him to menningoccemia in 48 hrs. This was the most horrible and painful thing we have ever gone through.We have 2 daughters 20, and 17-yrs-old. The first months, we spent in shock and disbelief. My husband totally poured himself into work. He was nonstop. Always busy: as if to believe that if he kept busy, kept going, then he couldn't feel the pain. I shut down at the beginning, not wanting to do anything, see anyone or go anywhere. Our 17-year-old daughter just went about her life as if nothing had changed. Now, it's a year later, and it seems as if we have reversed. I can function daily and force myself to keep busy. My husband has closed himself into his own place.He goes to work, comes home, and just sits in his recliner staring at the TV. He barely speaks to us. There has become this immense wall between my daughter and husband. They only speak to each other when absolutely necessary. And the anger and almost hate in their eyes makes my hair stand on end. She continues with her life as though nothing has changed, I never see her cry or get angry. She barely speaks her brother's name. I feel as if I am caught in some kind of evil vacuum. I can't stand to live this way any longer. I find myself losing my patience with them both, especially my husband. I am trying to be patient and understanding. But it seems as if they are purposely hurting each other. How do we stop this vicious cycle? I want to scream and cry and say brutally honest things - even mean things to slap them awake to see what they are doing. Sometimes, I want to just go to work and never come home to force them to see how much they need each other. Some days, I pray I'll get in a car accident, just to bring them to their senses. I know this is wrong, and I know these are all normal feelings and reactions to grief, but what I don't know is how to stop the anger and start to help each other and ourselves. Your honest advise would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for you time. Sincerely, Ann [Indianapolis, IN, USA] Dear Ann: The main problem I see here is that every one of you is off on your own and isolated - you all seem to be reacting to your son's death as a bunch of unrelated strangers - not as a family. Each of you is hurting, each in your own way; but, at the same time, each of you needs the help of the others to heal - that's what a family is for. Your husband seems to be so into his grief that he's unable to be a father to his remaining children; and, now, of course, that extra burden of comforter to the whole family has fallen on you. It's very normal for someone to express anger as part of their grief - anger at God, anger at life, anger at fate, etc. - but I'm confused as to why there's anger between your husband and one of your daughters... Question: Was there some sort of conflict between your husband and your daughter even before your son's death? Did your husband favor his son over his daughters? To her, his sorrowful isolation may just be another example of his perferring him over her. Or she may be reacting to his not reaching out to her in what should be their shared grief. If this is not the case on your husband's part, then she should be made aware of this. If this is not what she's upset about, then find out what's causing the rift between them. Either way, all of you have a lot of communicating to do; though, with so much anger, you may need the help of an outsider to start the process. Laura  Dear Laura: I just recently lost my college-age son on New Year's Day in a tragic car wreck. I am trying to cope and at the same time help my husband, my older daughter (a sophomore in collge) and a high school son. Everyone is reacting in different ways. We went camping with some friends and it was a disaster. My husband keeps things inside, and his anger and hurt comes out in anger outbursts and blame to the wrong place. My daughter tries to smooth things over, and my son just tries to run away and stay busy. I just want some tranquility at this time. I love my family and we all share love for one another. I just don't want our family to fragment themselves from the family we were before this moment. Our son would not have wanted this. [anon.] Dear anon: Each of you is grieving, each in your own way. But, at the same time, each of you expects the others to be comforting them - it can be difficult to be the one who is grieving and, at the same time, the one who is expecting to be comforted. There needs to be some coordination of effort and communication here. I'd suggest a family meeting to talk this out; or, if that doesn't seem feasible, seek some impartial, outside help - family counseling. You're wise to see that the situation is going nowhere fast and there needs to be some sort of intervention before things get out of hand. Laura Dear Laura: After losing my fiancé suddenly this past November, it's been so difficult to see life as worth living without him - no one can understand my despair. Many of my friends have slipped away and ignored me. I understand that it is a common thing, but why? I ask for prayers to see a future without him. He was just 43, and died with no warning. I never got to say goodbye.[anon.] Dear anon: There are many reasons why people act the way they do in a crisis, but it's when things are difficult that we see who our true friends are. Most of us have many acquaintences or people that we know - say, from work - whom we too quickly call our "friends" - only a few of these people are really friends. It can be hard work being a friend. Grief and sadness are difficult to witness, let alone share. Even someone who may truly be your friend may still not have the emotional wherewithall to help at such a trying time - not knowing what to do or say, some people will just disappear for a while, hoping that the grieving person will get better on their own. Another possibility is that many of us have friends as a couple, but when we're no longer part of a couple - man and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend - these people no longer come around. For example, the men may have been friends and the women were then brought into the men's friendship, but when one of the men is gone, this couple-friendship is also gone. I can see that you're really hurting, but know that there are people out there who do understand how you feel and do care. I would suggest that you seek out a grief support group. This will put you in contact with people who can relate to what you're going through and actually want to talk about it because they're grieving too. Laura Dear Laura: I am having a very difficult time. I lost my son - a beautiful, young man, with a young wife and a baby daughter of 18 months - to melonoma. After 4 years, we were just putting our lives together, and our beautiful daughter, Laura - a young mother with two sons, one five years old and one two years old - died from the same, dreaded melonoma. There are days and nights when I just do not know how I can go on. How in the world does any parent get through something like this? There are still days that I cannot believe that they are both gone.[anon.] Dear anon: What a terrible tragedy. Our hearts do go out to you - I'll ask our readers to keep you in their prayers.... What I would suggest is that you join a support group for families who've lost a member to cancer. Much comfort can come from the sharing of your grief. Other than that, all you can do, as a family, is to love each other, hold each other tightly, and draw strength from your faith in God - your grandbabies need you; now, more than ever. Laura Dear Laura: I am having a difficult time today and don't know how I'm going to get through this. My dad's wife called early today to tell me that my dad, 65, had just died. He had not been feeling well when he got up, and she was on the phone to a nurse when he suddenly fell out of his chair and died. What makes this doubly hard is that my father and I had not spoken in 6 years. He had always been a very stern and hard-to-reach father. Six years ago, he invited my children to spend time in his cabin with them. When my child put her elbow on his dinner table, he became very angry and yelled at my kids, telling them they had no manners. My daughter was terrified, and we ended up going to get them. My dad told me at that time that he would not speak to me again until I had apologized for my children's rude behavior (elbows on table, mashing potatoes with a fork). I refused to apologize for that, but tried to reconcile over the years. He refused and only wanted to meet with me alone. I wouldn't do this because I was too afraid of him. I loved my dad dearly despite our differences, but already today my mother(my parents were divorced), told me I should have tired harder to mend things. I feel as though my heart is breaking. [anon.] Dear anon: Some people leave behind a legacy of love and gratitude, others leave only sadness and regret. It seems as though everyone in your family, except you, tried to accomodate their lives to your father's demands rather than ever having to confront him. Over the years, this then became the family's way of dealing with your father - of keeping peace in the family. Of course, now that he's gone, they're quick to see you as the one with the problem - not him - and, out of habit, run to his defense.  It's natural for you to grieve the death of your father, no matter how difficult he may have been. Don't let your other family members' criticism add to your pain. There seems not to have been much that you could have done short of totally letting him have his own way all the time, but that would not have been good for you or your children. Know that you did the best that you could under the circumstances. Our prayers are with you. Laura Dear Laura: My mother died two years ago. I was her only child. I have tried to go on with life as she would have wanted but I still miss her so much. Sometimes, I can't seem to stop crying. People act as if she never existed, so I am reluctant to share my feelings with anyone. [anon.] Dear anon: People have trouble dealing with sadness, even their own. Most of us are not trained in how to deal with strong emotions: at best, we're told to just get over it; at worst, we're encouraged to act as though bad things never happen - that leaves someone who has suffered a terrible loss feeling quite alone. I suggest that you seek out a grief support group. Much understanding comes from experience. People who have suffered a loss similar to yours will understand what you're going through and not be telling you to "get over it." Laura Dear Laura: What would you think of a so-called friend who answered my email in which I described a deep sadness I was feeling just a week after losing my husband after 50 years of marriage as follows: "Hey, you got to get over that depressive state." [anon.] Dear anon: I don't know the person - she/he may just be clumsy in their choice of  words. But, like above, I'd suggest that you join a grief support group in your area. Oftentimes, it takes actually experiencing a loss to realize that grief is not just some "depressive state." This is a significant event in your life, and it needs to be respected as such. Laura Dear Laura: I lost my mom, grandmother, and a niece all within a year. I was really close to my mom. I just feel like I'm losing it. I have three, small children and can't afford to lose it, ya know. Help [me]. [H.H.] Dear HH: You are and have been under a tremendous amount of stress within a very short period of time: not only have you lost three people who were very important to you, but you also have the remaining responsibility of those three, small children. You need to call an emotional timeout to allow yourself to regroup both psychologically and physically. Seek out a therapist in your area, or a grief support group - they're in the phone book, or call a local church or community mental health center. This is not a luxury; do this for yourself so that you can continue to be there for your kids. Laura Dear Laura:  At this particular time, I have been introduced to a gentleman who lost his mother 3 years ago. He cared for her while living with her. The problem I see is that he's very quiet unless he's talking about his parents. Could he still be grieving and not know about it, or maybe he's just quiet? I have had personal loss myself and understand. As a matter of fact, my aunt is going through hospice care now as her wishes are to die at home. Do you have any advice? Thank you. [Marguerite] Dear Marguerite: [I'm assuming you mean introduced with the possibility of romance in mind. If you want only to be a friend, then my answer would be different. With a romance, you should be expecting more emotional involvement from him.] He could be just naturally quiet. Or, he still may be stuck in his grief if that is all he seems to talk about - then I would be concerned that he may not be able to be there for you emotionally. But, if you're willing to risk it, you may be just the thing that he needs to snap him out of his sadness. Just be sure that you go into this with an open mind, and know when to pull out of the relationship if he doesn't seem to be giving it or you the proper effort and attention. Laura Dear Laura: On 26 May, 2000, I lost my best friend (and soul mate) and do not know how to grieve. She is the 40th person in my life to die in the past 7 years and I feel stuck. I feel I have lost a part of myself with her. I have worked as a chaplain for two years now, and should know how to grieve, but I have never actually gone through the process myself. As of right now, I am just "flat," and I am not sure how to begin releasing my emotions. [anon.] Dear anon: The process has already begun - you're in shock, you're feeling numb. It's a very natural, automatic process - this coming to terms with the loss of your friend - but whether you'll go through all the stages that have been described, or only a few, depends on your own personality and upbringing. If you've never had to deal with a severe loss yourself - personally - you may be surprised at what emotions can arise within you. (I know that you've probably said to yourself that it's one thing to help someone else through a loss but, now, it's so much different when it's actually happening to me.) If you want to take an active part in your own emotionally recovery, I would suggest that you reflect on your loss and what it means to you: this could involve keeping an emotional journal, or simply setting aside some time each day for prayer. This should put you in touch with your feelings - which are there, just below the surface - and allow you to deal with them. Facing what you're feeling will allow you to move out of this state of numbness - or anger, or sadness, or whatever other emotions may arise. And, remember, these are all legitimate feelings - there's nothing bad or wrong in feeling angry or sad - but what we don't want to have happen is for you to become stuck in your anger or your sadness. (I also recommend that you seek some outside help; you need someone to talk to. It's awfully hard to go it alone - you know the story about someone who tries to be their own doctor or lawyer.) Laura  Dear Laura: Four years ago, my husband's niece, and a dear friend of mine, lost her husband at age 34 to a massive heart attack - one that could have been avoided as he was seen 3 months prior in the ER and told he had acid splashback of stomach, which later we found out to be a mild heart attack. She sued the hospital and won, but she has not dealt with his death very well. She has recently got off all anti-depressents but does not make good judgement decisions. She has almost alienated her whole family. Most of the family is so upset with her, they just stay away. I am still able to talk to her, but we are not close like we used to be. I would love to help her. I cannot get her to see she is unrational with her decisions. I have to be very careful how I speak with her - anything can make her explode. She feels she has the right to ignore or stay away from people that stress her in any way. I agreed for a while, but how long? And what can I do to get her to face the future? She is real good about being there for the girls now, but now she believes them 150% and they are using it. I know a lot of it is just because they have her now. I can't blame them, but she really needs to open her eyes to be a good mother. I love her very much and want to help. I have upset a lot of the family by staying by her side. They feel I take sides. I try real hard not to, or to judge anyone. I realize she is not right, but I know she feels right and needs help. I am just spent on what to do. I get one problem resolved with a family member only to have another arise. Any suggestions? I love all my family and would love to have us all reunited at once. We have to have about 3 get-togethers at holidays just so someone can avoid someone. It's sad. Thank you for listening. I know there is no magic answer, but there has to be a better way to deal with this. [Aunt K.] Dear Aunt K: I get the feeling that you're trying to take on too much. Your niece would be a difficult case even for a professional who does not have a personal stake in the matter. There may not be much that you can do for her other than keep in touch and let her know that you're there for her if she ever needs your help. The change is going to have to come from within her - you've done as much as you can - it's up to her now. Don't let it get you down too. Laura Dear Laura: On June 29,1998, I was traveling through Oklahoma with a friend. I was driving and fell asleep. My friend passed on as a result. While I have a deep spiritual acceptance, I am still struggling day to day. I need to talk about this. My family and friends are loving and accepting. But I can't use the words I need to with them. Are there other people out there to talk to? [anon.] Dear anon: If you had left your email address, I would have been glad to post it with your message so that other visitors could contact you. The form you fill out on this site does not tell me automatically the address of the sender - you would need to put that in your message. Laura Dear Laura: Well, I've just lost two people who are really special to me. I haven't really been able to talk about it to anyone really. But I plucked up the courage and came and wrote this message. My friend Emma told me about this site so I thought I'd try it. My mum and brother were just killed in a car accident. My mum's car was just flattened by a petrol truck and it just set on fire. Not many people will know about this because we didn't want it to be spread around. I miss them so much and I still cry at night and I just can't stop thinking about them. My friends tell me I have to move on. I know I do but, still, it's so hard to try and forget about them. They just don't understand. I always [thought] that my mum was going to die an old woman asleep in her bed, but I'd never thought she'd die like this. I still imagine that she's here and I can still hear her voice. I know that many people share the same grief that I do. But when people say they're sorry, I just know they're not - if you know what I mean. Well, that's a load off my chest. I'm really glad I've written this. I know it's better to speak to someone; but a complete stranger is good enough for a start. Don't you think? Thank you. [Laura] p.s. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Laura. And, most of all, thank you, God. You listen to my prayers and you keep me from harm. If only you had listened and answered my mother's. Dear Laura: Thank you for your wonderful letter. But you know that you'll never forget them - why would you even want to? You should try to put the tragic circumstances of their deaths out of your mind, but the happy memories that you and they shared will be a part of your life and who you are as a person forever. And, yes, talking through the pain is what will help you move through your grief - not move away from them and their memory. We wish you well. Laura Dear Laura: I am going through so much. My son, Joe, committed suicide April 7,2000. Joe was 26 years old, January 12, 1974. I miss my boy so, so much. Please help. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My friend is here for 10 days to help me. I really need some one to talk with when she has to go. I live in Alcester, South Dakota, in the country. [Wendy] Dear Wendy: Before your friend leaves, make arrangements with her to keep in touch, at least weekly, either through letters, a phone call, or email. You're going to continue to need a life line for the near future, to help you make it through these dark days. If this is not feasible, isn't there a church nearby? Call them and see what support they can provide. Don't let yourself become isolated - that's the worst thing you can do right now. Your soul and heart need a lot of tlc, please be good to yourself. Laura Dear Laura: My brother, Henry, died in October, 1999 after a 20-year illness with Huntington's disease; and he was 44. I spent a lot of time with him as he was ill and tried to help with his care and expenses. I knew he was going to die before he did and asked the other family members to help me put him in hospice care and they said no. Henry died anyway. I grieved for about two months and felt as though I had completed my grieving process, and then I started a concentrated course in real estate. It was about six months after his death when I finished the course and I just crashed. I became very ill and after I got over the flu, I have developed allergy asthma. It is hard for me to get myself back to the up, happy, working person that I was. Even though I feel I am starting to feel better, I am [just] going through the motions. Can you suggest to me some tools to work with? I feel this would be of great help. Thank you.[Rose] Dear Rose: You've been through a tremendous amount of stress within a very short time. Your physical symptoms are a direct result of this. There is something to be said for just going through the motions. Oftentimes, this can lead us back to health. For example, you may not feel like exercising, but force yourself anyway. The simple act of getting out, being with people at a gym, and moving your body can change the chemistry of your brain so that your mood is lifted. Give it a little more time. If you force yourself to participate in activites that involve other people and physical activity, you mood and health should begin to improve. Laura Dear Laura: I lost a loving, intelligent man at the age of 55. It is hard to believe that the most that I will miss is his voice. I have been married to a wonderful man for 4 years. I cannot share my grief with him. I have shared my feelings with my therapist, but I can only see her once a week. I want to cry every day, but it is not possible. [Mrs.O.] Dear Mrs. O: In our lives - if we're lucky - we will love deeply more than once. The problem that you have is that you cannot confide in your new husband - to tell him of the love you still have for another may seem like a betrayal. You know that this is not so, but you are probably right in assuming that he may not understand. It's not healthy for you to keep these very intense emotions bottled up inside; you need an outlet for your grief. Ask your therapist if there is a grief support group that you could attend. This would give you more opportunity to release openly those emotions which you need to express. Laura Dear Laura: After the loss of my brother 2 years ago, I felt very left out as everyone in my family has had dreams of him, yet I have not. We were very close so this has bothered me so. Last night I finally had a dream of him. We were with his friends and my husband driving around in his friend's truck. We were laughing and having such fun, then I woke up. I realized I had finally dreamed of him and wanted desperately to go back to sleep and carry on. Now, today, I am left feeling very disturbed. I miss him so much. What do you make of this? Thanks so much. [Lisa] Dear Lisa: If you have read my letters, you know that I believe that the physical and the spiritual dimensions of reality are very much intertwined. Our loved ones who have passed on are still among us; but we must be open to sensing their presence. When we dream, our minds are especially receptive to spiritual messages. It might have been that, since you were so upset, initially, at your brother's death, you were unable to make contact. Now, with the passing of time, your mind, last night, was finally in a more relaxed state. Do not be disturbed or try to force it. These dream messages will come to you if you allow them. What I would suggest is that you keep a pen and paper near your bed; if you wake again in the night, write down the details of your dream before you forget it. Also, before you go to bed at night, fix in your mind the idea that you will dream of your brother again. This will make your mind more receptive to his presence. God bless and good luck. Laura Dear Laura:  Recently,a woman who my mother and I had known since I was a child in grammar school (I'm in my 50s now) died suddenly of a massive stroke. She and I attended the same combined grammar and high school; and from the time I was in first or second grade and she was a senior in high school, she was always one of my heroes/role models - whatever. Because we were in the same social circles, I was aware of the development of her life into a successful career where she was greatly admired and respected for her accomplishments. We were acquainted but I would not describe us as friends, but my admiration for her achievements continued and her life continued to provide an example - a guiding light - for me. I seem to be experiencing what I consider to be an unusual sense of grief over her death - maybe because of the length of time we had known her and our common bonds. I guess I'm asking if this grieving is normal in the case of someone you considered to be a hero/heroine in your life, or could it be due to her sudden, untimely death? It has really shaken me. Thanks for any advice you can give.[L.J.] Dear LJ: You have already correctly described your psychological situation. The passing of someone who has been an important part of your life, whether you knew that person personally or not, can leave you with a great sense of loss. Also, since she seemed to live such an extraordinary life, it is, naturally, a bit unnerving to realize that even someone so special is susceptible to illness and death. Laura Dear Laura:  It has been just one year since my pregnancy loss. This has brought back the loss of my mom who I took care of throughout her hospice time, and my girlfriend who died of breast cancer. It is very difficult for me to be happy and positive about life. I recently met a widower who lost his wife of 30 years about 1 year ago. He is 12 years older than me, and, for some strange reason, I feel very attracted to him. We have had a few dinners where I met his daughter and son. We've been intimate on one occassion and it was wonderful to hold him and be held. I am very relaxed in his company and would like to have a relationship with him. He does not want to get serious or live together now. I can understand, but wonder if there is any hope of us having some kind of life together. We have a lot of the same interests and have gone sailing together. Am I just fixated on death and grieving? Please help. [anon.] Dear anon: You've been through a lot, emotionally, lately; you, yourself, say that you're attracted to him for some strange reason. What you seem to see in him is comfort more than passion - which is not to say that it's not possible to build a relationship on mutual comfort and caring - just as long as you are aware that's what it's based on and that's what you really want. On his part, I don't know. He doesn't want to get serious for now. Just what does that mean, and where does it then leave you? I would go a bit slow for now and see how this relationship develops. It's only going to work in the long run if the two of you are seeking the same thing. Laura Dear Laura: Help me let it be ok to be sad that my mom died. I took care of her for two years and saw her through to the other side; and I miss her so much and I keep running from the sad, sad feelings. I can't believe she's gone and it's hard for me to let myself feel the sadness. [CMo] Dear CMo: You're stuck in denial; to feel the sadness means that you would be moving towards acceptance. You're resisting this for, possibly, one of two reasons: you're either afraid of the sadness - sadness does hurt, but you will survive it; it will pass once it has run its course - or, if you were to let yourself feel the sadness, then that would make the fact of your mother's passing somehow more real - as if by avoiding the sadness, it's maybe not true that she's gone. I suggest that you begin by either seeking out a therapist with whom you can discuss your feelings and/or starting a journal where you can record, honestly, your thoughts and feelings concerning your loss. You need to confront these emotions head on. By avoiding them, you are only prolonging your own suffering. Laura Dear Laura: My father passed away on Dec.26th, last year. I found him in a recliner; he was not breathing and did not have a pulse. I had to perform CPR on him, but I could not save him. I have tremendous guilt over failing him. We did not get along that well; we argued over everything as we both had the same stubborn streak. Still, I know I did what I could to save him, but it wasn't enough. I am having a hard time accepting this. What can I do? Sometimes, it really tears at me. I feel as though I failed the biggest challenge in my life. I feel he failed me in not coming back. How can I get over this? [anon.] Dear anon:  There was probably little you or your father could have done to prevent his death - there is no true reason for you to feel guilty. Such unfounded feelings of guilt are often a substitute for the real issues that are bothering us. Both you and your father had been hard on each other: there is a lot of regret and anger there - I suspect that that's what's really bothering you. In order to get over these feelings, you need to forgive your father - and yourself. We all make mistakes in life. Promise yourself that, from now on, you'll try to work on your stubborn streak; so that one day others will not be saying the same about you. I know that you have it in you to change. Laura Dear Laura: I am dating a man whose wife of 26 years died suddenly of breast cancer about 6 months ago. We had all gone to church together and had been friends. We mention his late wife a lot in our talks. His children seem to like me and are glad that their father is in a happy relationship, but some of our church friends think that it is too soon for him to be dating. I am trying to be very careful with his feelings and not move the relationship too far, too quickly. My question is: do you think he is ready for a relationship or just transfering his feelings from one woman to another? [Nancy] Dear Nancy: Forget about what others say you should be doing, this is something that's just between the two of you. You'll have to see for yourself if he's ready or not - he may not even know himself yet - so go slow for now, don't rush it. Be there for him, but let him be the one to approach you. You'll eventually be able to see in his actions whether or not the two of you have a future together. Laura Dear Laura: I have a question about how long it's OK to grieve for someone you're not related to. A guy I had worked with for five years - and worked for for 2-3 years - died unexpectedly about three weeks ago. I hadn't seen Tom for about three years, although we had one or two e-mail conversations since we both went to different jobs. While we worked for the same company, we got along well, and our workgroup would occasionally go out for drinks, or whatever.The other night, I had this dream that a college buddy died. Only the next day, did I put it together that I'm still upset about Tom. Is that normal? [anon.] Dear anon: It's okay to grieve for whatever reason. Something about this person's death has touched you deeply and triggered some very intense emotions. Just because he was not family, does not mean that his passing should be of no consequence to you. How long will the grieving last? As long as it takes for you to identify the issues that his passing has raised in your consciousness, and as long as it takes for you to come to terms with them. Again, as in the above letter, the passing of someone who was so much like you, worked in the same place - you had drinks with the guy, it was only three years ago and he seemed so alive(like you) - can be very unnerving. Laura Dear Laura: On May 24, 2000, my brother Jay died. He worked on an oil rig in Alabama and was burned while mixing chemicals. Everyone told us that it was just a severe sunburn and that he would be ok in a few months. He spent a week in the hospital - the longest week of my family's life. The doctors told us that he was healing fine but had a touch of pneunomia. We had to force him to do breathing treatments to help what we thought was pneumonia. As soon as they told us about the pneumonia we asked if it was possible if the chemicals had gotten in his lungs. The doctors assured us that it hadn't and he was going to be fine. One week to the day he was in the hospital, the doctor came out to my parents' and my brother's wife and told them that he had passed away. It was a total shock to my family. I feel like I was robbed of not having my brother in my life. My brother left behind the most beautiful little girl in the world. She will be two in August. I don't know if it is a blessing that she was so young and will not remember the tragedy, or if it is a shame that she will never have had the chance to know her father and what a great man he was.[anon.] Dear anon: There's a lot of anger surrounding the circumstances of your brother's death. The doctors incorrectly diagnosing his condition may or may not have had an effect on the final outcome - but, it's natural for you to feel that you've been lied to. I would suggest that you take that anger and direct its energy toward finding out what really happened to your brother, and, also, to seeing that his little daughter is brought up as he would have wanted. Do not allow your outrage to fester or be directed inward - this is most unproductive and will only do you and your family further harm. Our prayers are with you and your family as you begin this long, difficult process of healing. Laura Go to index of current message topics. Return to homepage.