community bulletin board Dear Laura: I have lost my best friend, my love, and my lover. He died suddenly of a heart attack, although, in retrospect, I think he had been ill a long time. I do not have a support mechanism as I was a mistress, not a wife. I feel that my life ended the day he died. I really need someone to talk to but, as he was my best friend, the one I shared with, I have no one. Should I see a counselor?  It has been 3 months but the pain is still fresh. Is time the only answer? [anon.] Dear anon: There are many people, especially women, who find themselves in this very painful situation - you are definitely not alone. I know that going into this relationship, you must have told yourself that his love was worth the risk or, maybe, you were never able to even think ahead that far - or allow yourself to. But now he's gone, and you're left to deal with the hurt alone; made all the more difficult by not being able to share your pain. On these pages, I am always telling people that the best way to move through the pain of loss is to reach out and share their grief, to talk about it, to let it out. You definitely need to get in touch with a counselor. A professional will not only be able to help you sort through the many emotions with which you are now dealing, but - especially if you are in or near a larger city - should be able to link you up with a support group of others who have had a similar experience. Yes, time does heal, but sharing can make it all the more bearable. Laura Dear Laura: My husband of 21 years passed away on Sept. 30th, 2001. I was in another state at the time. I found him sitting on the sofa. He didn't even say goodbye. I wonder if I could have saved him had I been at home. He had a very bad heart, extremely low blood pressure, took lots of medication daily. How do I cope? I sit home and cry. When my friends or family want to visit, I make up an excuse, or leave my house. What can I do? [BR] Dear BR: You must realize that you're in the midst of a depression. There was nothing you could have done differently on September 30th, this was coming on for a long time. Few are granted the opportunity of saying a proper goodbye. That's why we need to tell those we love every day, either through our words or our actions, that we love them. But your husband knew that you loved him in the same way that you know he loved you; so, whenever the pain gets too much to bear, remind yourself of the many little ways in which the two of you expressed your love: it may not have been in words so much as the simple and familiar care that you showed each other. Those comforting memories are there, draw on them now to help you through this difficult time. And please find a counselor; the what-if's can eat you alive. You need to begin the process of healing, it's what he would have wanted. Laura Dear Laura: My husband died three months ago. I am 37 years old and trying to get through this grief. Some days, I feel great, like I can make it; but most days, I want to run and hide and say this has not happened. My husband was 35 when he died. He died of a sudden heart attack. No warnings, just gone one Sunday morning. I would like to talk and work through this very hard and confusing time of my life. Thank you for being here and listening. [anon.] Dear anon: So sorry for the delay, but things have been so hectic around here the past month. Yes, please keep in touch. I would be glad to help. As in the letter above, we never know the exact time or place of a life's passing. It's tragic that your time together was cut short, but, as above, long or short, the pain is often the same... The reason that your mind is filled with so much confusion is that you've been forced to confront some very serious issues; but you will find consolation if you look within yourself, for there reside the answers and the strength that will see you through this difficult time. Draw upon that reservoir of love which the two of you created - do not let it go to waste - within this well of positive emotion is the courage you'll need to carry on. Laura Dear Laura: I remarried about a year ago to a man 11 years younger than me. We always get along and except for a few problems with his two teenage daughers, I thought everything was going well. He is a very handsome man and travels lots. I discovered the last time he was home that he had an email address I did not know about. When asking him about it, he confessed that he was communicating with a woman he had met in an airport. He said they were just friends. I emailed her from his other address and signed my name Will. Then she returns the message with her itinerary. When I approached my husband about it he said that he had been thinking about having an affair with her. I of course came apart at the seams. He said he was very much in love with me, but that she just presented an opportunity. She is also married and I suppose looking for extra. Anyway, he has assured me that everything has stopped and I believe it has and that they really never got together, judging by other emails of hers I read. I wrote her a note and in no uncertain terms, told her off. Anyway, he expects me just to get over it and for everything to be back the way it was. I am depressed for the first time in 20 years and actually can't leave the house today for church. He is very contrite and says he will never do anything to hurt me again. What do I do? I love my husband very much and don't want to leave. I can't keep bringing the subject up to him or it will ruin our marriage for good. I want to trust him and start anew. I just can't seem to get passed this. I have prayed and asked for the Holy Spirit to help both of us. Will said I had done nothing wrong, it was just that he is getting older and is sick (diabetes) and I guess just needed afirmation that he still was attractive. Our sex life has always been extraordinary and I don't know why he would need affirmation from anyone else. I thought I had a good marriage and now I don't know if I have anything at all. Please help me. [SPG] Dear SPG: You may have had some doubts about yourself before this happened, and now you're feeling even more uncertain. You've already decided that this marriage is very important and you want it to continue; but, in order to be whole again, to be the wife your husband needs and wants, you must regain a sense of control over your life. To do so, you need to consciously admit that this is your choice - it is not being forced upon you - and then act on it. Whenever you feel that sense of doubt arise - of course, without your husband having done anything new to provoke it - remind yourself of your choice. As long as both of you agree now to be open in your feelings and strive together to make this marriage work, there is hope for the future. More effort in this regard will have to be shouldered by your husband, since he was the one to first weaken the bonds of your trust; but, together - and I emphasize together - I believe you can make this marriage work. Laura Dear Laura: Thanks for your response to my last letter entitled "Please help me." I understood what you were saying about "my choice" and now that the initial emotional phase is over, I am starting to have serious doubts about Will's love for me. He keeps saying he is sorry and that he is really in love with me, but my question is: How can a man be in love with a woman and conspire to have an affair with another?  I want my marriage to be good again, but I still feel so betrayed. I am not sure I can ever trust him again. [SPG] Dear SPG: When first in love, trust is so easily granted, but when there's a breach of that trust, it takes a very, very long time to rebuild it. The main thing I'm hearing is that both of you seem to want this marriage to continue. When we talked of a decision before, it meant that there would not only be a decision whether or not to stay in the marriage but, also, a decision to accept the hard work of bringing trust back into the relationship. There needs to be an open discussion; the two of you have to get beyond the I'm sorry's to telling the other what you need from this relationship and - most importantly - how your expect your partner to express it. Oftentimes, a man(or a woman) may assume that what they're doing or saying is enough for their partner to understand what they're truly feeling: love, hurt, affection, etc. You need to tell each other in no uncertain terms what you want and the exact way in which you would expect to see or hear this message: for example, he may say that he loves you, but you'd feel loved more if he unexpectedly gave you a hug just because; or, he must know how proud you are of him, but have you ever actually told him? And, yes, a man or a woman can be in love(or infatuated) with two people at once. But he is still married to you and says he wants to stay. Once you discover what he really needs, then you'll be in a better position to offer him what he might have felt was lacking before, and that will be when the truth of the matter will be known: for if he strays again, you'll know that his earlier protestations of innocence were false and then your choice will be clear. Laura Dear Laura: My dad died last January 3rd and my mom is now getting married to his brother. I have been trying very hard to accept this but I can't not seem to get past it. I feel like they are both betraying my dad. She started dating him 4 months after my dad died, so maybe that's why I can't seem to accept it. I think I'm actually very mad at my uncle for even considering this relationship. They were never close when my dad was alive and it's just so weird to have him in some ways replace my dad. He was the best man at their wedding! Perhaps it seems like they both want to forget him so they don't feel quilty and that really makes me mad. My husband says that my dad would have supported this relationship, but I don't think he would have ever married one of my mom's sisters!  How can I get over this and accept this new relationship? [anon.] Dear anon: Whether it's 4 months or 4 years, it's natural for you to feel some resentment. But all of you are adults, and, as long as there was no betrayal while your father was still alive, allow them the assumption that they're doing it for the right reasons. Unless you know for sure otherwise, try to seperate your feelings from theirs. We cannot always choose when and how we love. Your mother deserves some happiness; keep this foremost in your mind as you decide how to adjust to the new reality of your family situation. Do not allow this resentment to isolate you from the ones you love. Laura Dear Laura: I am a 21-year-old female that lost my father at 10 years old, and my grandfather that was a father figure for me also died almost 2 years ago to the day. Recently, about 3 months ago, a very close uncle shot himself. I was supposed to be staying with him but he never came to pick me up. I called and called him for several days with no response from him. My younger cousin finally found him. He left a letter saying that he appreciated everything that everyone had done for him and that he loved us. There were also tapes from that night that he had recorded: a phone call from his wife (they were going through a divorce) telling him what a horrible person he was. The tapes were so bad that no one in the family has finished listening to them. In a way, I, personally, feel somewhat responsible for his death, for not being there when he needed someone. I have a lot of hate for his wife right now and I have to stay away from her. My parents keep telling me that I should let it go, but I can't. I can't sleep at night and I always feel like crying. Is this normal? Should I let it be the in past or do I have the right to have my own feelings? Thank your for your time. [anon.] Dear anon: In every family, there's always one who's the peacemaker, the healer, the comforter. If you choose to take on this role in your family, you must know that you can try to help others, but, in the end, you can never make their choices for them. What happened with your uncle and his wife was something between the two of them, though I seriously doubt that even her harsh words were the only thing going through his head that night. Your uncle was a troubled individual. His tragic death was a long time coming, a culmination of a tangled series of events.You don't have to leave what happened in the past, but you must realize that there was little you could have done. Sadness for your uncle is something you can allow yourself to feel, but not guilt. Laura Dear Laura: This is the first time I'm on this website. I lost my daughter, Isadora, one year ago through a horrible liver disease. She was only 21. She died 5 days before her birthday. She was my only child and I miss her so much. I also watched her die and still have bad dreams about when she was in the hospital. She was so beautiful and very intelligent. It's so hard  for me to go on without her. She alway's been the center of my life. I have two foster kids that's been in my house for 6 months, some days it's a blessing and the other I just want my daughter back to talk to. I feel she put these two girls in my life for a reason, because I became a very special person in their life. I help them out in school and show them a lot of love. They feel as they know my daughter through me. I feel they keep me going. I go to Compassionate Friends for Grieving Parents; I have to admit it help me out a lot, but I was wondering if I jumped into fostering too quickly? I still feel it was a sign from my daughter and I didn't let it go. I remember I had to start all over again after she left me. I quit work for 8 months and let myself grieve, and made new friends and lost the old ones. I don't know exactly how I'm surviving without her. But I do special things for my daughter to keep her memory alive. [anon.] Dear anon: Isadora, what a lovely name...Yes, you did the right thing, what you sensed was definitely a sign. The link between you and your daughter was rapidly fading as your sorrow grew. Grief dulls the senses but love opens our eyes, it gives us hope, it lets us see the truth. This inspiration was the spiritual seed by which your connection with your daughter has been strengthened and renewed. As long as you can share yourself with others, your bond will never be broken. The possession of a loving heart allows one to exist at a higher level of sensibility where the boundaries between life and death have no meaning; where the ties of family and love are eternal; where, daily, angels can been seen. It has been said that through the eyes of love, one can most clearly view heaven. Your daughter is most definitely by your side - nothing can change that. Remember this when you're feeling down, and let it bring you peace. Laura Dear Laura: Two weeks ago, my daughter gave birth to a stillborn little daughter after 5 1/2 months of pregnancy. Her name is Hannah Elizabeth. Her death has hit this grandmother like a ton of bricks and I have no one to talk to. I still cry over the loss of this little one. She was loved from the moment my daughter announced her pregnancy. This was our daughter's 4th child. We had a graveside service for Hannah. I was hoping that this would help with the healing process, but I still feel so sad. [Barbara] Dear Barbara: Yes, the pain of loss and disappointment can be great, though it is not for us to judge the why of it all but to accept God's gifts in whatever form they take and for however long they are in our posession. Let all that love and hope for the future which that little angel brought into your life - if only for a brief while - be directed now to those other little angels, your grandchildren here on earth, who also need your care and guidance. Activity, directed by love, has a way of dampening the sadness. Laura Dear Laura: I lost my husband  two months ago, suddenly. He had not been ill, went to sleep on a Sunday evening and Monday morning was home with the Lord. Total SHOCK to me. He was my husband, friend, lover, advisor, rock, anchor. It is so difficult to get up each morning and find my way, as a Christian, knowing my friend is no longer here to help me. I miss his voice, his touch, his presence. A hugh hole is in my heart and feels like the other half is going to break. I pray, share feelings with family and friends and my pastors, but, oh, how I hurt. Pray for me. I am a very independent personality and a workaholic. [I] work from my home also, so I'm staying busy, but [it] doesn't really help. [PF] Dear PF: You're riding a wave of emotion and will just have to grit your teeth trusting that these intense, painful feelings soon will pass.You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help but, as you must know, much of the work of grieving is done alone and within. Keeping yourself busy does help one get through the difficult days but, eventually, you will have to go back out into the world on your own. Look to your religious upbringing to guide you as you go about setting up the pieces of your shattered world. The materials are still there by which you can create a new and happy future. Certainly, your life has changed, but this is not to say that you will never love again. Laura Dear Laura: My beloved son passed away 16 May 2001at the age of 38. The tragedy which compounds my grief is that he was a critically ill asthma sufferer who tried for four days to get his medication but the doctor never called the pharmacy for the refills. My son was at my home the night he became ill with no medication to fight with. I saw and heard things no parent should have to see, but, at least, I was holding his hand as the end was near. I am so angry as well as grief-striken. I am consumed with his loss. Any help would be appreciated. I am in counseling and under a phyciatrist's care. Thank you and God bless you. [anon.] Dear anon: We share your grief, your story is so very sad. Children are supposed to mourn their parents, not parents their children. But what can be done now? I am concerned for your welfare, this tragedy must not be compounded by you becoming ill - in either body or spirit. I often tell a child(of whatever age), whose parent has passed on, that the way to make the best of a seemingly impossible situation is to live their life in a way that honors their deceased loved one. This is what I prescribe as the medicine to ease your sorrow. Your son was obviously a very special person. As best as you are able, resolve to dedicate your own good deeds to his memory; even the simple act of a kind word or gesture to someone in need can become a tribute to your son. Let the light of his spirit shine through the actions of your life. In this very simple, yet concrete way, you will insure that your spirits will never be parted. Laura Dear Laura: I was going to be married for the second time on October 26 and my fiancé died of a heart attack on September 29. We had been together for almost three years and had been through more ups and downs than you can imagine, but the last year it all kind of fell into place (with LOTS of hard work, of course), and we were so very happy. I had been married before for 23 years, divorced for 8. He had been married for 24, divorced for 3. We really felt that we had learned so many lessons in our previous relationships that would have made ours truly wonderful and had promised each other at least 30 years of happiness. (I am 51, he was 47.) My whole world has been turned upside down. I don't think I believe that he's never coming back. I see him in everything I do and in everything I see. I miss him so very much. I was so looking forward to being married and just BEING together and so very much in love. I can't imagine ever putting that much effort into a relationship again. He was the one for me. I do feel some better after almost 5 weeks, but feel so at loose ends. I just thought maybe somebody could give me some direction or hope about what's ahead. I want him to come back. He was and is so precious to me. [anon.] Dear anon: I know you're hurting, it's been such a shock: to go from the high of love to the low of despair and loss can just wrench one's heart apart. But, for you, I do see hope for the future. The inner glow that drew your finacé to you is present still and, if you have the courage, there is another special someone out there for you. I do know what you mean when you say that you wanted to be married - there is a comfort in that - but you deserve more. You need some peace in your life. I don't mean to say that the years you spent with your finacé were wasted, but there is a love waiting for you if only you can let your light shine once more. But how will you know him? This time, the love will come easy. You'll know that it's him when the pieces just seem to fit. Love may take patience and persistence but it does not have to be a struggle. Laura Dear Laura: WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT A MEMORY ROOM? MY SON WAS KILLED THREE YEARS AGO AND MY MOTHER DIED IN JANUARY.THIS ROOM HAS PICTURES, SWEATSHIRTS, AND SOME BELOVED PERSONAL ITEMS. I FEEL COMFORTED HERE BUT SOME PEOPLE FEEL IT IS MORBID. I HAVE GOTTEN RID OF CLOTHING AND SUCH. I FEEL SURROUNDED BY WARMTH AND LOVE HERE. SO IS THAT MORBID AND WRONG? PEOPLE SAY DO NOT HANG ON, BUT THEY WERE A VERY BIG PART OF MY LIFE AND WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY MEMORY. [S.W.] Dear SW: You say that it comforts you - there's nothing morbid or unhealthy in that. The ancient wisdom tells us that there is an energy in every living thing. Inanimate objects, as well, can provide a connection to a time or place or person. It is not at all strange for you to want to be surrounded by objects that have a special meaning to you and those you love. Some people are not as in tune with their intuitive side as you seen to be. Don't let them bother you. As long as this does not interfere with your daily commitments, you're the lucky one to be able to maintain that spiritual connection with those so dear to your heart. Laura Dear Laura: I had written to you a couple of months ago about losing my love, my life and my soul mate while I was 7 months pregnant. My beautiful little boy is now 6 months old and is my angel. The problem is my big angel. All I do is think about him and cry. I think of him and see the cancer eating him up in those 3 short weeks of finding out. I cannot get those visions out of my head.The 5 years with him repeat over in my head, the 3 weeks of his illness as well. I feel like it is never going to stop hurting. I cry all the time. He was only 36 years old. I am only 28 and feel like my life was taken from me. It was almost like God made an exchange and gave me my son but never even gave his daddy the chance to even hold him. I feel like we all lost. Please tell me why it doesn't get any easier. I loved that man with ever ounce of love you can possibly produce. I feel like I am going to fall apart month after month. [Trisha R.] Dear Trisha: You are your little boy's whole world right now. Do not allow your despair and negative emotions to be transfered to him. Young children are such emotional sponges, they absorb the tensions and energies of the important people around them: if you're sad, he'll feel sad; if you're hopeful, he'll experience the world with a sense of hope. This is a very crucial time in his young life. He needs his mommy well and happy. Healthy, productive mourning is something that we pass through on our way to a new understanding of what it means to be alive. It is a time to prepare for new beginnings and to reassess our dreams. What you're experiencing has gone way beyond that. You're in the depths of a depression. Please seek professional help to get you through this terrible time in your life. Do not go it alone.You've been suffering long enough... Our prayers will be with you. Laura Update from Trisha: Dear Laura, thank you for your response. Every bit of encouragment is helpful in a time like this. I am in the process of [getting] help. I hope the  healing will begin soon. It is a very painful time for me. My son is a very happy baby and I believe his daddy is working in his thoughts, and I believe he is with him always. Although the pain will never go away, because I do believe he was my soul mate, I believe he is with me. Christmas was very rough. It is very hard beginning a new year without him. But I thank you for your prayers. [Trisha R.] Dear Laura: My father, my friend, passed away unexpectedly on Valentine's Day 2000. To this day, I cry for him and feel a great loss of strength since his passing. I don't show this to anyone else. I try to be the strong one, but in my moments alone I always think of him and remember the times we spent together. I find myself both grateful (because I know he knew how much I love him) as well as anger (for him being taken from us at age 68 which I feel he should have had many more years with us). How do I get through this? I know he is still with me. One time, I opened the front door to our home and smelled his cologne very strong, as though he was standing there waiting for us to come home. Any advise will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance. [Paula] Dear Paula: You're very fortunate to have experienced - and understood - the presence of the spiritual - so, I don't have to try to convice you that your father is still with you and always will be, you already have knowledge of that. But what you now need is guidance on how to draw strength from that knowledge. You'll get through this current emotional confusion by following the positive and pulling away from the negative. Think on this... You want things to be the way they were; you feel cheated, you feel angry. But ask yourself: Did, somehow, God owe you more? You know that your father was and is aware of your love: for that, you say you're grateful. Within this gratitude lies the understanding that you'll need to ride out this emotional conflict. So, whenever you feel your anger rising, whenver you feel alone and small, call upon that love which still binds your father's spirit to yours. He is with you. Treat this as the reality that it is and your life will take on a new meaning. Things may have changed, but you are not alone. A very thin veil lies between heaven and earth for those who have the courage to believe. Laura Dear Laura: When I was  a young child, my parents got a divorce and my mom remarried to an abusive man. He abused me, my older sister, and my mom emotionally, sexually, and physically. This has been 30 years and I still can't get close to any man. Is there something wrong with me, can you help me ? [anon.]  Dear anon: Yours is a wounded spirit stuck in time. The pain of abuse has a way of lingering long past its initial infliction. The abuser's face is seen in everyone, no matter who they may be. To heal, you must decide now to take control of your life, to deal with the pain, to move on from those ever-repeating mental images; else, this hurt will never end and your adult life can never truly begin. Find a counselor experienced in abuse therapy to whom you can talk about what happened: family members, even those who shared the experience, often cannot be objective in such matters. I believe you are now ready, you have made the first step by reaching out for help - this is a good sign. Resolve to continue your movement forward. You are not alone. Laura Dear Laura: My Best Wishes for the festive season. It has been along time since I have been to your site. The healing and the support that I received from you last year in the most difficult time of my life, after my father, my husband and my dog all of them passed away just 1 month apart, was a shattering impact on my whole existance and I thought that life was a heavy burden to carry. But now, as I write this, I feel the gratefulness from my heart that you helped me keep the balance between the past and the present, by giving me the support and, because of this only, I  was able to perform the wedding of my younger daughter last month to a wonderful Englishman, and I have relocated myself to another place which has started to feel like "home." I still miss the loved ones,  and it brings tears to the eyes, who are a memory now, but I try to feel the love they all had for me. Love truly survives even after the mortal shell is gone. Thank you, Laura, with all my love to you. [Anand from India] [an earlier letter] Dear Laura: My mother recently lost her short battle with breast cancer, she was diagnosed in April this year and now, December, she is gone. I am finding it hard enough to deal with it being the holiday season (she died six days before Christmas) but I am also finding it hard because I am expecting my first child (her first grandchild) in less than a month. How do I deal with my grief and not let it affect how I feel about this baby? I wanted this baby so much but now it seems like I had to exchange my mum's life for the baby's. I don't know how I am going to do it without Mum, but I know that I have to look after myself and the baby. I look around the baby's room sometimes and feel no joy in the things that I have bought for him/her because my mum isn't here to share them. A month doesn't seem like a very long time to grieve and then have a joyful event like a baby. I worry that it is disloyal to my mum to be happy about the baby's arrival even though I know she was happy about her grandchild's arrival. And I feel bad because I told her that it was all right for her to let go when she was ready to go and that she didn't have to hold on for the baby, even though I wanted her there more than anything. I just wish that I could believe it when she told me that she would be there in spirit, but it is not something that I particularly believe in - and it's not the same anyway. How do I stop my pain from hurting me and the baby? [PW] Dear PW: You will always mourn you mother's passing at some level throughout your life. This should not prevent you, however, from living life to the fullest: heartache and sorrow are as much a part of our earthly existence as happiness and joy. Learning to balance and accept the extremes is what the lesson of living is all about. Right now, you see no future for yourself; you see only the past and your terrible loss. But, trust me - and your mother knew this for a fact - when you look for the very first time into the face of this precious little soul who has been given into your care, happiness will, if you let it, begin to grow once again in your heart. Trust your mother's words. A new link in the never-ending chain of love between mother and child, which still binds your spirit  to hers, will be forged when you first gaze into your little one's face. Do not look away. Accept the gift of happiness that this blessed event offers. You are not being disloyal to your mother; rather, you will be honoring her wisdom while doing what is right for both you and your baby. Laura Dear Laura: I am a 16-year-old girl trapped inside a woman's heart and soul. My parents died 5 years ago when I was 10: my dad in February after an 8-year battle with cancer and my mom in September unexpectedly with SDS. I have 2 older brothers and I constantly worry about them. The 21-year-old is always in trouble, and I know he is still having a hard time with it, although he has never really broke down to any of us yet... The 17-year-old is very vulnerable, and people take advantage of him too much. How do I learn to protect them without worrying myself to death? I, myself, am still trying to get over my parents' death... Is their a way to speed up the process??? [N.D.]  Dear ND: The heart has its own calendar, it heals in its own time - there are no shortcuts. It's very difficult to deal with one's own grief while, at the same time, taking on the burdens of another; to do so, one needs to be able to balance strength and vulnerability, resolve and sorrow. Such skills come only after much experience and days of living. You do have a talent for reading the needs of others, but only time and personal reflection will allow you to be able to be of help without it taking an emotional toll on you as well. For now, I'd recommend that you tell your family's story and share your insights with someone such as a professional counselor or member of the clery who can help you and your siblings come to terms with the trials that life has presented. ND, you have a sensitive soul and a bright future, do not allow yourself to burn out by taking on more than you now can handle. Laura   Dear Laura: I have three children, my first has moved away and detached himself from my husband and me. He does not call or write. I had to request his new address and phone number as he did not volunteer to give them to me. I am very sad about this. I know I must let him go and find peace, but it is a difficult task. [anon.]  Dear anon: If you've read any of the letters on this site, you'll know that a mother can never really let a child go; those who try often find that they pay too great a price in tears later on. What I think you mean is that you - for your own sanity - feel that you must distance yourself from him emotionally at this time. Your son is going through a difficult growing phase in his life. He's exerting his independence in a very awkward way and is not truly aware of how much he's hurting you. For now, take care of yourself, see to your other children; but keep the lines of communication open. Let him know every so often that you're still there for him - and leave it at that. Enjoy your life, don't let him get you down. One day, when he's much older -  and, hopefully, wiser - he'll come around and be properly grateful for the caring mother that God gave him. Laura  Dear Laura: I am still crushed. On Aug 23, 2001, a policeman came into my workplace to inform me of the death of my 23-year-old daughter. Although she had Huntington's Disease, she was a far way from those ending stages that she was "suppose" to go through.  We knew this was going to happen, but not yet, not until farther down the road, etc. At her funeral, I heard comments such as "she wasn't really yours anyway." (Kymmie was adopted at the age of 4, but was my flesh and blood because she was also my niece - another story, another time). Another comment was "when things are at their worse, they can always get more worse." (My comment: "what could be worse then burying one of your children?"). I miss my only daughter so much. These past months, we have celebrated what would have been her 24th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. When it came time to fill Christmas stockings, I cried so much, and the pain has just continued. Am I losing my mind?  My husband and doctor suggested that I get into some sort of grief counseling, which I have tried to do, yet, I have been on a waiting list since the middle of September! Something strange happened to me the other night and I am trying SO hard to believe that it was a "message from the other side." It was a dream I had and was so... sad. I was dreaming and I kept calling Kyms' name (like when she was a small child). Finally, she did answer me. She was off in the distance and walked toward me in the fog, she was holding someone's hand that I couldn't see, she waved to me and said "I love you Mom, I'll be ok, bye!" With that, she turned, still holding whoever's hand that was and walked away. I woke up crying (as I am doing right now, while I am trying to tell you this story). Was this her way of saying goodbye? Or was it just one of "those" dreams that we all have? I miss her so much... [anon.]  Dear anon: It was not just "one of those" dreams; please understand it for what it was. Dreams that are so very real ARE real - they are not just an imagined event but a definite link between heaven and earth. Your experience is what we have come to refer to as a "healing dream." The acceptance and understanding of the messages within these dreams are what can lead you out of your grief and back toward an enjoyment of life. You're lucky to have witnessed something so very special. But now what are you to do?... You must interpret the dream's message; the key to its meaning lies within your heart and your experience. What is very important is that she was holding the hand of someone - you know who it is, think on it. For now, take comfort that she is in a place of love and light, that she is not alone - and neither are you. Your daughter will always be by your side. She knows of your grief, she knows that you are worried more about her than about yourself - as always - and wants you to be happy and healthy again. That is the main thrust of her message to you. Laura  29th of December, 2001: Angela and I went to Mom and Dad’s today. Dad’s lungs were filling up when we arrived, and he was having hard time breathing: very shallow, and painful. I told him that Angela and I were going out, and we’d be back in a couple hours. Angela and I (and the boys, of course) went out for a beautiful walk. The air was crisp and cold, that even through all the heavy, thick layers, a chill could be felt. So cold as to still the sap in the evergreens, yet all their fiber straining to capture the short daylight. Open deep blue sky with a sun appearing so small, yet so brilliant.  The Earth rotating at such speed to make one dizzy chasing shadows. There are few words to describe the smell of a winter’s day, with just a breath of air moving in the treetops. Snow hides the earth beneath, forbidding birth and growth, and awaiting springs mystery. Air never more pure fills your lungs, as you struggle against the environment, and conquer, moving forward. The boys dance as only my friends can, leaving us far behind and impatiently await our slow arrival.  Tirelessly they search; noses down, until they discover a new scent: a fresh rabbit track, or perhaps a squirrel in search of a ready supply of food. They are unyielding in the hunt, until they reluctantly capitulate to a distant call. Can you wander aimlessly with a destination still in mind?  I’ve heard and read that destination is immaterial, the journey is all that matters. We wandered about, casting and back tracking, yet driven to a singular destination. Such beauty to visit in the short day, with time denying the opportunity to capture it all. The next vista captured drives the last from memory, supplanting beauty for beautiful. Until all is encompassed, and thus experienced, in one singular, rich and precious memory. The shotgun I carried all but forgotten, flushing birds safe as I wandered about, my purpose lost in the preciousness of each moment. Fearless through ignorance, our journey led through new growth of the softest woods to acres of iced marsh blanketed with a thin layer of snow. Desire to be the first to discover this precious virgin terrain was dashed as we spotted tracks of another. A mouse, or another small woodland creature, frantic in a search for cover on this open plain, had been so bold as to best us in our quest. Wonder of his success led us still further, until an ominous crack turned us aside. This ice lent a new dimension to exploration. Though many times we had been here to hunt, this was a new circumstance.   Islands, before inaccessible, were now but a handful of steps away. Beaver lodges imagined became reality, standing tall and dark against winters white beauty. We laughed with the ease of steps anticipated, and now reality. To live! To be alive, and challenge and conquer! With a nose to press further, on and on, until exhausted we had to rest on the generosity of a fallen pine. As I turned to the day sky, I prayed for my father. I hate to see suffering, and his most of all. I prayed selflessly, that God would spare him of his pain, and relieve him of the burden of his body. To allow the spirit, which has kept that vessel alive, the freedom I felt. And a benevolent God was kind enough to grant this, and ended his suffering. I know that his spirit was freed of his useless body, and is now on a journey.  After all, I have learned that the destination is as important as the steps taken to arrive. Thank you for this last lesson, and well taught. I’ll miss you, Dad. [anon.]  Thank you for sharing your story and eloquent words with us. Laura  Dear Laura: I really need some advice. I am going on my tenth-year wedding anniversary. My husband and I have had very rocky roads which include physical violence and his porno addiction. We actually filed for divorce two years ago and then got back together, but I would like children and he has never wanted them. What's more, he would not really make a good father. My own father-in-law told me not to do it - that if I really wanted kids that badly, I should divorce his son. Here's the thing: last night, in a college library, I found my husband looking through nude art books - which I believe included children. I am planning to re-file... but I am very afraid of making a mistake. Should I try to get counseling?  Am I making a hasty decision by filing?  Please help me. I got married young, I have never been on my own and I am very scared. [Erin] Dear Erin: You'd be making a mistake by staying. Your husband has serious problems which he'll have to work on by himself - if he can ever come to acknowlege them... But you've given him enough of your time and tears. Don't let him drag you down with him. Take the advice of those who know him best and are concerned for your welfare. Break the ties.You're still young. Make a life for yourself. (Check with that college to see if they can connect you with a possibly free women's counseling service that could help you with the transition out of your current situation.) Laura  Dear Laura: I have been reading all your letters and everyone else's for the past 6 months. I finally built up enough courage to write to you. I am 16 years old. From age 6 -10, I was molested; from age 12 -141/2, I was raped - all by the same man(only because no one believed me). It was my brother-in-law. Everyone said I was lying and turned their backs on me. I have 5 siblings. I am not close to any of them because of this fact. I love my parents to death. My mom has cancer and my father was just recently in a terrible accident. I have a twin brother. I felt that they couldn't afford for me and I didn't want to be a burden. So I did what I thought I should: I got married. I quit going to school so I could take care of my parents. I go there every day and do their work plus come home to my home and do mine. I don't have any friends. I feel so alone. My husband: well, what can I say? We do not get along like we should. I have so much anger towards the world because of my life and I take it out on him all the time. Laura, I am begging you go give me some advice. Please. [Savannah] Dear Savannah: You've made two major commitments which are literally pulling you apart: one to your marriage, the other to your parents. Things cannot be allowed to continue the way they are, for, as you're finding, it's not possible to devote yourself as you should to both at the same time. You did make a mistake by marrying so young - it's not the way to get out of a bad situation. But what can you do now? You did not imply that your husband was abusive - you seem to put most of the blame for the discord in your marriage onto the fact that you are so stressed out by your trying to be everything to everyone - so I cannot say that you should end the marriage, what is done is done. Your husband may be a wonderful person(you would need to tell me more) whom you, in later years, would regret leaving. What you do need is help sorting through your options. You have a major decision to make. There's been a lack of support - even abuse - in your family for years; I don't think that you can hope to find any help there. You need to look to an impartial outside source for help for both you and your parents. You have to shift the bulk of the burden of caring for your parents off of your shoulders. You're a married woman now and should be directing your attention to the future: the future for you and your husband, and what children will soon come. You are basically a strong person, but, up to now, your life has been badly directed by others. You need to be in control of your destiny. Take this brief free time that you have now to finish high school or, at least, get your GED. It'll be easier to make decisions for yourself and those who count on you if you are financially secure. I wish you luck, Savannah. Please get back with me if you need to talk more. Laura Go to index of current message topics.                Return to homepage.