community bulletin board Dear Laura: My beloved husband of 17 years passed away one month ago. I am terrified of facing the future without him, and desperately need to know that he still loves me and that one day we will be together again. I am only 39 and panic at the thought of having to live another 20 or 30 years without him by my side. I just want to be where he is, and soon. I have only had one comforting dream about him, and want to know how to have more. [DR] Dear DR: Your loss is so recent, the pain so fresh, that it seems that your life will never be whole again. You're panicing, but you can heal from this loss: Hope is what will get you through it. But I recommend that you find someone to share your sorrow, for the enormity of your burden is way too much for you to have to bear alone. If there's no friend or family member that you feel would help, a grief support group can provide the emotional support and understanding that you're going to need to get you through this terrible period in your life. ... And, you will dream of him again, though the dreams will come in their own time. For now, look about you in your waking hours for those subtle signs of his loving presence that I know you've been experiencing lately: the feeling that someone has entered a room, though you see only yourself; a pleasant thought of him that suddenly comes to mind, then, just as quickly, is gone. Hold on to your memories, look for the signs. Allow yourself to heal. Though a veil now lies between, you will be together one day, but on God's terms not yours. Laura Dear Laura: Hello, I am an 18-year-old girl. I am not able to fall asleep. I just recently lost my grandfather and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I miss him terribly. I just would like to have a conversation with him. I know that I can't and I know that he is in heaven - a wonderful place - but I do not know what to do. I wish that he was still here and I feel as though he still is. I have never lost someone this close to me before and I don't know where the grieving process should start. I guess that I should acknowledge what has happened and I have done that except parts of me are having a hard time with it, like my heart. Please help - any where to start would be lovely. Thank you very much. [anon.] Dear anon: Yes, you must learn to accept what has happened and move on, but never stop listening to the wisdom of your heart. You feel that your grandfather is nearby - and he is. It has taken me a while to get around to your letter - I do apologize - but, in this time, I know you have felt his presence. You may be saying that this has not been the case, but think hard: that feeling of not being alone when you were by yourself in a room; a happy memory of your grandfather that quickly came, then went. You must learn to re-interpret the small occurences of everyday life, for, mixed within the familiar and the mundane, is the evidence of you and your grandfather's continuing love and connection. Laura Dear Laura: My dad died a few months ago and now my mom is visiting me for 3 months. At times, I would like to talk about their lives but I feel it may hurt my mom to talk about it. How can I approach this topic without having the feeling that bringing it up will hurt my mom? Thanks. [Luis] Dear Luis: You'll just have to try it and see what happens. You might start by telling her how you feel now that your dad is gone(very simply, nothing long and drawn out, just that you know how she feels), or you could wait to see if she accidentally mentions him in conversation(this is bound to happen eventually) and use that as a way to bring up the subject. Don't get into anything heavy: you could just say that you miss him too and see where that leads the conversation; if she seems upset, then you can back off and change the subject. The walls of sadness will eventually fall. But don't rush it. Let your knowledge of your mother's personality be your guide. With a gentle nudge and the healing passage of time, the family should be able to discuss not only their sorrow but the joy that your father's life brought them - don't let that gift ever be forgotten. Laura Dear Laura: I am 12 and do not understand why god took my nana away from me I never even got to say good bye you see my nana was sick all the time and when my mom told me that she was dyeing this time I thought it would be just like all the other times she would get better and be back home in no time I could have gone with my dad and sister to see her but I had other things to do now I hate myself for not going and I take it out on my family I fight with my sister all the time I talk mean to my mom&dad and I am not very nice to them I talk to my mom about how I feel all the time and she really trys to help me but I dont like the answers she gives me all she does is holds me while I cry and tells me nana new I loved her very much and that in my own way I said good bye my mom even took me to where my nana is barried and let me talk to her but I just feel like I let her down I have been to see a few doctors to get help but nothing seems to help me all I want is one more chance to tell her I love her and I miss her I am also mad at god how can he say he loves me and then make me hurt so bad why does he have to take people away one of the doctors my mom took me to told me it was because god didnt want my nana to hurt any more and that he needed a new angel to help look out for all of us and to be at the gates waiting for us when it is our time to go if that is the case then why does it hurt so bad I miss my nana so much I want her back even if it is just to say good bye you dont have to answer this if you dont want to because I bet you are very busy with all the people you help. [Tish] Dear Tish: What you're experiencing, I know, is new and troubling. Overwhelmed by all the emotions and questions which your grandmother's passing has brought up, you're struggling, you're looking for answers, but pain and grief are blocking the way. You're obviously a very sensitive individual; now, more than ever, you need to look inside yourself for that inner wisdom or intuition which you were born with. You've written a very insightful letter; but, as with all those who love you and are trying to help, you're not really listening to anyone - not even yourself. You did not let your grandmother down. She knows now, more than ever, the inner secrets of your heart. She still can be a part of your life - it's up to you. Make her proud of you by living the future that she would have wanted. Ask her for her help and guidance. Include her in your prayers; this is your line of communication now between her spirit and yours. You can do it. Once you take that first step of wanting to be happy again, you'll never go back to your anger and doubt. The world is still a beautiful place and you have an important role in it. Surrounded by the love of your family both here and in heaven, you have much to look forward to. Laura Dear Laura: I want to thank you. I am the mom of the 12-year-old that asked about her nana and why God took her. I just want to let you know she is doing better. She is smiling more and talking to us more. Tish told me my mom came to her in a dream and told her that she loved her very much and that she should stop being so hard on herself and the ones that love her and that Grandma would always be there when she needs her. I am so happy my daughter was told about your site. Thank you and may God bless you always. Dear Laura: This is going to sound really crazy(not on this website. ~ Laura), but something has been bothering me for the last eleven years and until now I never could find someone to talk to about it. My grandmother passed away eleven years ago - we were very close. On the eve of her passing, she came to me in what I thought was a dream. My grandmother was walking into a light. She never looked back at me but, somehow, I knew she was with God. When I awoke from this dream, I felt happier then I have ever been and that everything that has ever gone wrong in my life was now set right. I really can't tell you in words the feelings I was having. Anyhow, my mother called me that morning and told me my grandmother passed away late that night and all I could say to her was I already knew she was gone. I never cried for my grandmother because I knew she was in a far better place then I was and, to be very honest, I was happy for her because she would feel no more pain. After we buried my grandmother, I was walking out of the church and I was told that I must not have loved my grandmother the way the rest of the family did because I didn't even cry. All I could say is: how can you cry for someone you feel so happy for? That may not have been the right thing to say but that was all that would come out of my mouth. To this day, I still have not cried for my grandmother. About a week later, my family and some friends were sitting around talking and somehow dreams came up; so I started telling about my dream, and everyone acted like I was crazy. Why is that people don't believe things like that can really happen? Anyhow, I am still not sure if it was a dream or my grandmother's way of saying goodbye; either way, I am glad it was me she came to say goodbye to. Thanks for listening. [anon.] Dear anon: It's strange that some people claim that they believe in the spiritual but, when tested, seem to allow their grief to overcome their beliefs. You were very fortunate to have experienced this special event of communion with your grandmother AND to have understood it for what it was. As such, you were able to accept the passing of your grandmother with a certain peace and grace that was denied your other relatives. What's been bothering you these past eleven years is not so much what you experienced but the way others have reacted to your telling of the tale. Haven't you ever wondered if maybe a few of them, down deep, might even envy you? Whether it was an intuitive dream on your part or a true vision of your grandmother's passing, it obviously was a very real event that has had a profound effect on your life. It's sad that you've not been able to joyfully share it with your family but don't let their doubt wear off on you; save your telling of this special event for those who want to understand. Laura Dear Laura: I met a lovely young man at my friend's wedding and we began seeing each other. I was very happy and I believe he was too. I was so hopeful for the future. We had only been seeing each other for one month when he was killed in a road accident. I feel devastated and do not know how to move on. I want to know if he cared about me and why such a wonderful, kind young man should be taken so soon? Will I ever be happy again? Why did this happen? I can't explain my strange feelings and I do not know what to do with myself. Perhaps you can offer some guidance. Why do I feel so lost when I had only known him for a short time?  [Sarah] Dear Sarah: The reason you feel so terribly lost is that the two of you had so much in common - it's as though a part of you has died and been taken away. But you must recognize that you are still whole, although very wounded. What is making this so much more intense is your belief that each of us has, at most, one soul mate, one special someone with whom we can share our soul's journey. But know that there are other kindred spirits who share your dreams and values. It is up to you now to find the courage to once again go out into the world. What drew this special young man to you remains within your heart - it's who you are... Why some are taken early from this life, we do not know; but, yes, you will be happy again. Laura Dear Laura: Thank you so much for your kind words and advice, you are so right, thank you again. [Sarah] Dear Laura: I just wanted to reach you to ask if any thing is wrong with me because I never get to dream about my departed father, my husband who passed away too suddenly and the dog, Moti, who too died: all of them in the past year,and all of them loved me more then the other. Am I failing in any way that none of them visit me me in the dreams? As I understood it last year, I had come to terms with my losses and got on with life after the facing the reality of the life and it's sure way of the mortal side. But after knowing about the chat sessions on your site and significance of the dreams shared by some your net visitors, I am beginning to feel that, perhaps, I am lacking in love to the departed ones and may be this is why the missing dreams of them. What do you think? Kindly advise. You have been a great support all these difficult months and I received the strength each time I reached you through the net. Rest is well here. My younger daughter will be getting married in November and I am  praying to God so I can carry my duties to see all the work involved. Best wishes and many thanks.[Anand from India] [an earlier letter] Dear Anand: I have been thinking of you and hope that you have been busy preparing for your daughter's wedding. As for dreams... There are many ways that the spiritual is made known to us. Yes, one way is through dreams, but not everyone is visited in dreams. Anand, you are so very blessed. There has been no need for you to receive vague messages from heaven when there is evidence in your everyday life of the love and protection that your family - in this existence and the next - has for you. You are a very fortunate lady and, one day, hopefully, your grief will allow you to see this as others around you already do... And be patient, dear heart, the dreams will come in time. Laura Dear Laura: Hello. You are the first person that I have ever spoken to about what has become a crippling problem. My mother died in a car crash when I was two and I never knew my father. I faced hardships with physical disabilities and teasing because of poverty. My grandfather, who was divorced, raised me by himself. All my life, I held him in the highest regard, but now I am not so sure. I remember now being told that I was "worthless" and "stupid" as well as other derogatory statements by him. I am 33 now. I am a straight "A" student in college and I have a beautiful wife and three wonderful children; but, no matter what I achieve, I am not good enough. In my eyes, EVERYTHING that I do is subpar. No matter how many positive comments I receive or how many books I read, I still am worthless. I have overcome more adversity than most people could fathom, but in my eyes I am NOTHING. Please help me. Thank you, and God bless your kindness. [anon.] Dear anon: Thank you for writing. I know that it takes a lot of courage to share something so painful, though you must already know somewhere down deep that you're definitely not worthless. The problem here is one of knowing something versus truly believing it. It's all a matter of emotion, not logic; though deep-seated emotions are very hard to change. You're searching for affirmation; but you need affirmation from within, not from without, for it's not enough that your wife loves you and your children love you as long as the hurt keeps getting in the way of the truth. I recommend that you find a quiet time and place each day to talk to that young boy who is still inside, the one who does not know any better, the one who idolizes his grandfather - as children do, simply because he is your grandfather. Talk to him, let the adult you comfort the younger you. The adult recognizes the lie, else how could you have gone on and made such a success of yourself? Really now, where would you have found the strength? There will be times when that voice of the grandfather again will be heard, but it is up to you now to take control of your life, to protect this child within, to say no! forcefully and push away the lies and their pain. This talking to your two selves may sound silly to some, but to those who have had to live with a lie it makes so much sense. Please give it a try. Show yourself the world as it now is, not as part of you still imagines it to be. Laura  Dear Laura: This morning, I got a call from someone from my son's Headstart class. They said that my son's teacher was killed this morning in a car accident. I went up to school and tried to get some info. and didn't get much. There will be grief counselors on Wednesday when school resumes, but we need it now. I don't know what to tell my son, he is only 5 and talked about her all the time. I don't know if I should take him to the funeral home, I am thinking I'm not going to because I don't know how much of this he understands. I haven't told him yet because I'm getting mixed views from people. Some are saying not to tell him anything, just that he is getting a new teacher, which I think is very wrong. She was a wonderful, strong person and I was really fond of her. I don't know how  I can be in the classroom with her, admiring her, and then she is suddenly gone. I am overly stressed with the past week and need some advice on coping and how to handle this with my son, I feel so terrible for him, he was so happy and is upset on Fridays when he doesn't have school. Any advice and comfort will be truely appreciated. Thank you. [Just Me] Dear Just Me: You might be mixing your own feelings and strength of connection with this woman with that of your son. He does enjoy going to school, but are you sure that it was soley because of his teacher?...  Either way, he does have to be told the truth, though in an age-appropriate way. Young children best understand a very direct, concrete explanation. Tell him that he's going to have a new teacher. Wait and see what his response to that is. If he asks what happened to his teacher, tell him that she died. You may be surprised that he leaves it at that for now and does not question you further; but, if he does, if he asks where she is, you could say that she's in heaven. Again, wait and see what his response is. Give him information as he requests it and in very small pieces. There is no need to answer a question that has not been asked. It's good that the school will be providing grief counseling, but watch his behavior these next few days and weeks. If he begins acting-out, then you may want to talk to your pediatrician about finding some private counseling for him... And don't take him to the funeral home. It'd be different if his teacher had been an actual member of your family; in that case, a small child could accompany other family members to the funeral home: doing so, he/she would not feel left out of something important that had happened to his/her family, also, there would be familiar adults  around who more likely would be directly concerned about his/her emotional well-being. No, taking your son to what is such a sad event primarily for this woman's family would not be appropriate. Laura  [a related letter] [another related letter] Dear Laura: Thank you for this wonderful service. I have a 6-year-old boy who seems to be obsessed with irrational thoughts of death and dying. He is telling me of how he is thinking about things like he jumped into a fire and died, and tonight he told me he thought about holding up a stop sign and the car didn't stop and crashed into him. I was once troubled by irrational thoughts and went for counseling and learned how to stop irrational thinking, now I want to cry when I hear my son talking this way. I keep reassuring him and tell him he can make these thoughts go away and think about something else positive. I do believe our national tragedy has played a role in this because he also mentions that, referring to things and images on TV. I have tried to monitor his viewing and am constantly reassuring him. Why would such a young person be obsessed with death and such horrible images? I will wait to hear from you, and I thank you. [Donna] Dear Donna: It's good that you're reassuring him that he's safe - keep doing this... but a question: Is there anything disruptive going on in the home, such as a divorce, parents quarreling, a recent family move, beginning a new school? Can you put a time to when these fears began? This may be the true source of his anxiety. If you cannot identify any concrete origin of this fear, it could be that he is simply a very sensitive child who is struggling to understand the limits of what he can and cannot control in his life. The beginnings of these types of thoughts can trouble some children to the point that everything, even their imaginings, can become fearful to them. Of course, what happened on Sept. 11th, 2001 can only serve to intensify his fears and fearful thoughts - please read my message on that subject - but, if these obsessive thoughts continue much longer, I would suggest that you take him to a counselor who is experienced in dealing with children. Your son does not have to be suffering so. Laura  Dear Laura: This is a follow-up visit by "Child Obsessed by Thoughts." I wanted to thank you for your advice. I read your response and was immediately taken by how your were right on target with what really seems to be at the heart of it. We did recently move and change schools and I thought that because he was so young it would be an easy transition, well I was wrong. I now see that all these changes in addition to now riding a school bus with older children and then with our national tragedy, well it's a lot for a 6-year-old to handle. I did take him to a counselor and she felt he was upbeat, funny and delightful, and showed no signs of depression or underlying problems. We just have to realize that many changes have taken place and he will be fine. I am thankful that he is expressive and tells me things instead of holding them in. I was given great exercises to do and just to continue communication and positive thinking. I need to be patient, this is really a whole new world for him with the move, new house, new friends, new school.... Thank you, Laura. Your advice was great and I will continue to be a fan and turn to you should the need ever arise. God Bless You. [Donna] Dear Laura: I'm so glad I found this site. I hope you can help me. I am on medication and also see a therapist. My husband passed a year ago after a battle with cancer. We have no children. Two months after he passsed, while going through his things, I discovered he had been having an affair. I am devastated and grieving his death and betrayal. I don't know if the affair was over or not. I am stuck. I want him to come to me so badly; I want to know if he died loving me. If only I knew or had an idea. I can't get it out of my head. I have terrible dreams, not of his death, but of the other woman. I feel my marriage of over 25 years was a lie. [anon.] Dear anon: You ask did he die loving you... Who was by his side those last painful months? to whom did he turn as his life neared its end? You were the love of his youth and the comfort of his last days. You have a very special place in his heart that no one else can claim. True, he had his weaknesses and you have been sorely wounded, but now is the time for forgiveness. By forgiving him, you heal yourself; at the same time, you create a welcoming emotional environment that, most certainly, will draw his penitent spirit closer to yours. Laura                                         Go to index of current message topics. Return to homepage.