Dear Laura: My friend's 26-year-old daughter was killed in a trucking accident[the tire flew off, jumped the median and hit her front window killing her instantly - so they say]. Needless to say, they are not doing well. What besides listening can I do? Renee died March 2nd, 2001. Thank you. [Janet]

Dear Janet: As I said in the above letter, grief is a thing that evolves. It does not stay the same from day to day. The best that you can do for your friend is to continue to be the friend which you always have been. Take your cues from her. Her and her family's needs will change as they move through their grief.

Listening, yes, is a start; though listening can involve more that just hearing the words, but, also, deciphering their meaning. Is she complaining of not having the energy to fix dinner? Why not quietly bring over a one-dish meal with no fanfare? If you feel the need to say anything in response to her protestations, just say, "I wanted to help. You would have done the same for me." Let love be your guide and you will never go wrong. Laura

Dear Laura: There are things that I would like to resolve with my ailing mother who lives with us, but she never fails to get very upset and bewildered that any of what I need to speak of interests me or even matters to me. Do I not speak to her to spare her any upset in her last times with us and take my questions with me to MY grave, or do I indulge myself at her expense?  These are important questions that have puzzled me throughout my life, and now is my last chance. What do I do? [Enigma]

Dear Enigma:  Ask yourself honestly: Is knowing really that important to me AND can I live with the effects this questioning will have on my mother? This is a serious situation in which you find yourself, but you do have the luxury of time to decide what would be the best course of action. I suggest that you rehearse before you act. Envision the results of the two pathways before you. Chose in your mind one, then the other. Close your eyes. Walk down that chosen pathway to the near future, do you like what you see? Could you live with the results of your choice? Chose wisely. Trust your own life's wisdom. You already know inside what you have to do. Laura

Dear Laura: Hi, my name is Tawny and I'm 14 years old. About two weeks ago, I lost my mom. She was my world and I relied on her so much that it feels I can't go on. I'm hurting so much and I can't show it. If I hadn't told anyone, they would have never have known. Another thing is, I can't get it that my mom is dead. I keep thinking she is going to walk around the corner and tell me it was all a joke and everything is going to be ok. Please help. Thanx. [Tawny]

Dear Tawny: You're still very much in shock, and denial. You're going to keep hurting - alone, silently - until you can come to force yourself to open up: either to someone else(perhaps a trusted friend or relative), or even yourself. Yes, it will hurt at first - and there will be a lot of tears - but after the tears will come the healing - it always does. Tawny, you still have much to look forward to in life. Please do this for yourself, for your mother's memory. Make her proud of you. Become that special person which I know she always told you you could be. Laura

Dear Laura:  I have had a few close family members die in the past couple of years but the one that I miss the most I never met: my grandfather. He died when my mom was 14, almost 10 years before I was born. Recently, I've felt a strong connection with him but I don't know how to begin to talk to someone I never even knew. This is hard for me to describe. [anon.]

Dear anon: But you do know him, you know him through your mother. It is not at all uncommon for a young person to be singled out as the avenue for spiritual communication. There's something in your personality that is open and receptive which is allowing this to happen. Why this is happening to you now and not your mother, I don't know. But don't be afraid. You're not going to see ghosts or anything so theatrical as that but, rather, a spiritual door appears to be opening.

You can begin by finding a quiet time in the day, calming your thoughts, and focusing yourself on communicating with your grandfather. Have a question in mind. Repeat it slowly to yourself, to his spirit. Wait for an answer. Don't be in a rush. It will come. But listen with your heart, with your intuition, for the message will be very subtle: sometimes as subtle as just a gentle but definite knowing that he's there with you in spirit. Yes, it is hard to describe, but, when a spiritual communication happens, there'll be no denying it to yourself. If you feel comfortable doing so, ask your mother if she has a message she would like communicated to him.

Do take advantage of this gift that has been given to you. Properly approached, this can be a very spiritually rewarding time for you and those you love. Laura

Dear Laura: Hi, my name is Guinevere. I have a little girl who has Rett Syndrome. I need some advice on the afterlife of  a child and I need to ask why I was picked for this hardship in my life. It seems I have had it so hard all my life, and now God gives me more. I just want to know why me. [Guinevere]

Rett Syndrome: A pervasive developmental disorder affecting the gray matter of the brain, occurring exclusively in females and present from birth; it is characterized by autistic behavior, ataxia(uncoordinated movement), dementia, seizures, and loss of purposeful use of the hands, with cerebral atrophy, mild hyperammonemia, and decreased levels of biogenic amines.

Dear Guinevere: Yes, you've been through a lot - you sound so tired and soul-weary - but, dear Guinevere, do not let your sadness separate you from others and from God... I know that you feel isolated, that no one understands. You feel that you've been given this burden to bear all alone. This is not true. There are good people out there who are able and want to help you. But you must be the one to take that first step. Please seek out the services of a counseling professional near where you live.The world can still be a good place to be. With someone who cares by your side, your burden can be made lighter. Why these things happen, it's hard to say. But do not look for blame where none exists. It's not your fault, nor God's. God is not a source of punishment, but, rather, the wellspring from which all hope and love derive.

... As for the afterlife, please read the many letters on this site which bear witness to its existence. The physical world and the spiritual together make up the threads of existence; to those who can see, there is but a thin veil between the two... And the little ones: Age is something linked to the physical body, while, the soul itself is ageless. Child or adult has no meaning in the eternal realm of the spirit. Know that you and your daughter are now and forever linked as equal souls through love. These bonds of love built here on earth are what give our life(however brief) its purpose and its reward.

The questions you ask are difficult, there are no easy answers. But, for now, you must trust that with the healing effects of prayer and time, eventually, you will find peace and will no longer feel the need to question why. Laura

Dear Laura: I am a stay-at-home mom. We home school and have 6 kids, including a baby we lost October 1999. My youngest, Elizabeth, is a 5-year-old. She seemed to be going through the grieving process normally (if that exists) until about 1 year ago. At that time, she became extremely clingy. When I go to the bathroom she calls 3-5 times "Mom, where are you?" When I go out to feed the animals or check the mail, she goes with me. If she can see me, she is ok, otherwise she freaks out. I have even quit going to Sunday school because she panics, crying and holding on to me when I try to drop her off. Although she goes to sleep in her own bed, while I wait in a chair, she usually wakes up sometime during the night and crawls in bed with me. My husband is a truck driver and is home only about 3 nights a week. About once every 5 weeks, I get a half day off when my husband keeps her and occasionally I can go to the store alone if my oldest daughter (17) is home to watch her. This is starting to wear really thin and, of course, I want my daughter (Elizabeth) to be secure, but she doesn't seem to be making much progress. I don't fuss at her, just remind her that I won't leave her. When I ask her about this,she says she is afraid that I will go to the hospital and die too, or that I will love another little girl. Can you give me some advice? Also, it seems strange that this problem didn't occur right after we lost our baby, but about 6 months later. Thanks. [K.W.]

Dear KW: The reason that there was a delay in your daughter's symptoms is related to her ongoing process of intellectual development. She, obviously, was aware of what was occuring in the family with the death of the baby, but did not begin acting out until much later as her cognitive awareness progressed. She is "better" able now to express her fears to you, though much of this fear is acted out by her constant clinging to your side and need for attention. BUT, then she did tell you most clearly that she is afraid of you dying(abandonment) or being replaced in your affections. This is in keeping with her level of development at age 4-6 when fears are centered around abandonment (as with very young children) and (for the older child) a growing self-concept: Do they(family, friends, classmates) love/like me? Can I do this or that like all the other kids? Do I measure up? (Question: How much attention was shown to her at the time of her sibling's death? I know that we all can get caught up in a time of crisis and exhibit a kind of tunnel vision. She might have felt that she was not a very important part of the family while all this was going on.)

Your daughter needs to regain some sense of predictability in her young world, some feeling of control in her life - really, as do we all. I do not recommend that you continue your strategy of giving in to her fears by remaining by her side at all times. What I do recommend is that you tell her very clearly and kindly that you will be there whenever she truly needs you. Initially, you may have to tell her when you are going to leave the house and exactly when you will return, and - most importantly - stick very close to your promise. She needs to see in very concrete, practical terms that you will come back when you say you will. She needs to know that her world can be predictable and safe. An aide in this would be to give her a small token to reassure her and make her feel special, something tangible which, by touching, she can be reminded of your continuing love and promise, such as an inexpensive necklace or bracelet. I know you are already emotionally drained, but hang in there just a bit longer; with time and patience, this soon should pass. Laura

Dear Laura: I recently learned that someone I loved more than 40 years ago died. He was my "first love."  I was still in high school. He had just graduated from high school, and I met him at church. We had a close, intense (as only the young can be) relationship for a year. We laughed, we swam, we talked. He wanted us to marry. Then I had to move with my parents to another state. It was a traumatic time for both of us. We stayed in touch for a year and he reluctantly agreed that we should see others while we were so far apart. He made the trip several times to see me. That next summer, I went to stay with my grandmother back in my hometown for two weeks, and we were together then. I, being so young and unable to give the commitment he desired, broke off the relationship but in some way always loved him. It was just that I had so little control over my own life as a teenager, and we were so far apart, that it was emotionally very difficult. He was hurt; I was sorry. He called my grandmother to see about me and occasionally they met, so eventually I knew he married. I thought of him often through the years. When I went to my hometown - a metropolitan area - I'd check the phone book and see his name. Sometimes, I thought I'd like to contact him but didn't want to cause a problem for him or his family in any way. I felt if I ever saw him there'd still be a "connection." I mean, I felt he'd care about me and my well-being as I cared for him.

Around twenty years ago, I felt a strong desire to contact him, but resisted. A few months ago, I saw his nickname on a car in the town I moved to and have lived in for 40+ years. This is too weird. I saw the car several times in a few days' time and haven't seen it since. The nickname is so unusual that it seemed indeed strange to me. It prompted me to do a search on the Internet ending in my discovery that he'd died two years ago after a long illness. He'd remained married to the wife of his youth and they had three children, which I was pleased to know. But I was so saddened about his illness and to know he died in a nursing home at 63. I have been married all these years to the husband of my youth - I married at 18. Foolish as it sounds, I am just devastated to know that my beloved "friend" of so long ago is gone. I think I hoped that at some point we'd talk, we'd know who each of us had become, that I'd hear about his life, children, etc. I wanted to thank him for loving me the way he had and to say I was sorry for hurting him. I'm so sad that the sadness overshadows everything, and this seems unreasonable and silly after all these years. I know it is probably because he'll be forever the idyllic, perfect love of my youth - and I feel foolish. I do believe that love lasts forever and that on some level I have continued to love this person all my life even while I have loved and been physically faithful to my husband. A younger friend of mine thinks seeing his most unusual nickname in a custom decal on a car several times has some deeper meaning. I also know now that when I had such a strong desire to contact him twenty years ago, it was about the time his long illness and treatment, etc. started. But are these things just coincidence and we look for hidden meaning? I want to believe I'll see and know him and other loved ones in heaven (and that this will be possible because the conflicts, resentments and jealousies of human feelings will be absent). I had believed all my life that would be true. In recent years, people I love and respect have told me they don't believe we'll know loved ones in heaven... that it's not about that but about perfect peace, happiness, understanding, and love for God - and I believe that, too.

The timing (my youth) and other circumstances (moving away) were not right for my lost love. I know that but how do I accept it? Is this normal? I don't want to become obsessed with sadness or to become perpetually depressed. I believe that life is sad and hard but that it also has great joy. I love my husband and my children and grandchildren. What is wrong with me? Sincerely, Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth: No, there is nothing wrong with you. On the contrary, your story is proof that true love is eternal. Strange, how even when the messages are so strong and frequent - as in your case - we have been trained to doubt. Elizabeth, what you've been experiencing throughout the years is not coincidence. That strong foundation of mutual love that you and he shared in your youth has never faded. It remains and is the bond that will always hold your soul to his. True love, when it does occur, lifts us. Life takes on a new, joyous meaning. We see beyond the world's prejudices. We recognize the spiritual equality that joins us all.

Do not be sad that you never had that one, last meeting with the love of your youth. He knows of your joys and your sorrows. He has always at some level been a part of your life, and you, his. The messages that you have been receiving are so very clear. Know that heaven is not a place for disappointment. Love will one day come full circle. For now, know that there are many whose love you share on earth, as well as that one special angel whose heart you stole so many years ago. Laura

Dear Laura: My son, Jamie, was killed in an automobile crash on September 1st, 1996. I wonder to this day why! There are so many questions I'd like to ask but, the main one is: How do I know my son made it to heaven? This is a question I often ask God, but I still feel as if I've not received my answer. Thank you so much for being there to talk to, because I need someone. [Patricia]

Dear Patricia: You must believe that your precious son is in heaven. How can it be that God's love for him would be any less than yours? Why these things happen is a mystery, but what is not a mystery is that we are never really separated from those we love. But, you may say, how can this be? Patricia, you must understand that the spiritual and the physical together make up the fabric of the universe. Your son is as close to you today as he was before, but you need to look for signs of his presence now with your spiritual senses - your intuition, if you will. I know that there have been times when you thought/felt/hoped that maybe he was near. This is not an illusion. These have been the times when your sorrow has ebbed, when your emotional defenses were down. This occurs when the mind is calm, when it is open with a child-like acceptance of its surroundings; this is when the channels between heaven and earth become apparent. Try looking for the subtle signs of your son's presence, open your heart to the possibility. You can find peace again, once you allow yourself to believe. Laura

Laura, it's Elizabeth yet again. I thought of my sister whose rather caustic remark made me feel foolish about seeing my lost love's name on a car ... BUT she reminded me yesterday about an experience that she had 25 years ago that may interest you. She was divorced after 18 years with three children almost grown. Her high-school-age younger daughter and her son had decided to go to live with their dad, 200 miles away (that didn't last!). Incredibly sad and heartbroken, she lay across her bed sobbing, alone in the house. Suddenly, she felt the comforting touch of someone patting her shoulder. She said it startled her so that she stopped crying and lifted her head, thinking someone had entered the room. The sensation was so real that she is convinced to this day that it happened ... and we thought, "An angel?"

Dear Elizabeth: When something so profound occurs that it is remembered vividly 25 years later, there can be no doubting that it was real. But what was it? Was it an angel or some other spiritual entity? ... While heaven's love surrounds us always, your sister needed something more that day 25 years ago. The angelic hand which so lovingly touched her shoulder was a definite manifestation that she was not alone. Again, was it an angel or, possibly, the spirit of a departed loved one? mother, grandmother? Your sister will have to look within her heart for the answer. In either case, she should take this as proof and as a comfort that she has been and still is not alone in her journey here on earth. I would suggest that, either through prayer or quiet meditation, she call upon that "someone" who touched her so long ago; much wisdom can be gained by reaching out to the other, higher side of our being. Laura

Dear Laura: My wife has been dealing with depression for many years. In February, she had a needle biopsy for a growth in her breast that was determined to be "negative." After what the doctors had then called a "fibrous growth" continued to grow, she recently had surgery to remove the growth. The lab report was slow in coming back... but she had told me that she felt very good about this, and her physician told me that he felt good about the surgery.

On Sunday after the surgery (Father's Day), she became angry at me over a multi-year feud she has been having with our oldest son, and she stopped talking to me.

After speaking with the doctor on Monday morning (no lab results yet), I went to work. Though I continued to communicate with her, she refused to speak to me or communicate in writing. I asked her several times about the lab results and she would not answer me.

I learned only yesterday that the lab results were that an "aggressive" form of cancer was found. The doctor's advice was that she have surgery and chemotherapy right away. Without letting me know anything about this at the time, she refused, and instead said that she wanted to see another doctor about some problems (obviously less critical) with her stomach. She has an appointment with the doctor about her stomach on Tuesday, and refused to see the surgeon before then. I believe this "suicidal" approach is because of her anger at me and several other family members over wounds that should have healed long ago.

Please pray that she will 1) agree to treatment for the cancer this week, and 2) will be completely physically healed so that we can together start the emotional healing process. I fear that this lapse in time will cost her life - a greater expense than I am willing to deal with right now. I feel as if I am grieving already. What do you suggest I do that can help her to see I am there for her? Though I am obviously selfish in my desire not to lose her, I am also extremely concerned for her. Please pray for us both. [anon.]

Dear anon: Try to arrange for a second party to mediate for you: someone she trusts. Time is of the essence now and should not be wasted with petty squabbling. Your wife may be acting irrationally because of her ongoing depression, or she may be putting off confronting her cancer due to fear. In either case, she needs to be encouraged to seek treatment - the sooner, the better. And, yes, both of you are in our prayers. Laura [Good news below]

Dear Laura: I sent you a message before about my wife, and her problem with cancer. She had hidden the diagnosis from me for about a month, and she was refusing treatment until after getting her stomach problems resolved. Well, I am writing you back to share good news. About two weeks ago, the stomach problems were resolved, and she agreed to proceed with treatment. She had a radical modified mastectomy on Wednesday of last week, and they did a "lat" reconstruction during the same surgery. She is home and doing great, but the best news of all came this morning from the pathology report. The lymph nodes that were removed during and biopsied after the mastectomy were late this morning determined to all be free of any signs of any presence of cancer. The surgeon who performed the mastectomy had already told me that he saw no evidence of any tumors in any of the breast tissue he had removed. I am writing you about all of this to let you know that your encouragement helped me.  When I was not able to get someone else involved in getting her to agree to seek treatment, I had to be firm but gentle in my persistent encouragement to her to do whatever it took to get to the goal of treatment for the breast cancer. I thank you for your encouragement and the prayers of all who read the anonymous letter I wrote before. May God bless each and every one who prayed for us. [anon.]