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 Dear Laura: We were a family of four. I was the younger of two daughters. My dad was
a great man, who I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with. As a young girl, he always took
me with him to do jobs, and I enjoyed it as he taught me about all the things he did and
how he always included me and made me feel loved and appreciated. My mom was a beautiful,
funny and smart woman who knew just what to do to make you feel better, to make you feel
special. We spent much of our time together... They only wanted to see me happy -
and happy I was. Then there was my sister - 5 years my senior. We were like night and day,
and never truly got along. After college, I began a good job, which soured after 4.5 years, and, while I was to begin a new job, life had begun to fall apart before my very eyes. In the late 70's, my father began to say that he felt something was wrong with his memory... Then, in 1982, Mom went through cardiac testing which led quickly to a triple by-pass. I saw how different Dad was reacting, but he was still there for us - as I was for them. Mom had a rough recuperation but then flourished. Dad, on the other hand, continued to worsen... but they diagnosed Alzheimers. In 1983, my sister suffered an intracranial hemmorage. She had surgery and did well, but had to go back for a second elective surgery to prevent another hemmorage. While she was recuperating at our home(I was still living with my parents), my mother was told that she had a blockage in her carotid artery and would require surgery to prevent a stroke. She was petrified, but went through with the surgery to be there for us. That was in April of 1986. In August of 1986, my sister was living in Florida, and suffered a re-bleed...The hospital said she was bleeding and Mom, Dad and I rushed to Florida to be with her. She was in a coma when we arrived... Unfortunately, despite several surgeries, she was severely brain damaged. It was the result of the negligent aftercare, which was documented. We even found that the same doctor had to voluntarily surrender his license or he would have lost it because of the excessive number of patients that he [had] maimed. Mom and I were with my sister constantly, dealing with the doctors and making decisions. Sadly, many of the relationships we had with various doctors were very strained. They seemed to resent a loved ones questions and suggestions. My father continued to slide and, eventually, my sister was transferred to a rehabilitation facility out of state. My father declined so severely, that my mother and I had no choice but to finally admit him to a nursing home. If it wasn't for the time we were spending with my sister, maybe we could have held out for just a little longer. So, in 1987, dad was in a nursing home and began to have difficulty remembering us. Mom became ill. It turns out that, despite not wanting blood transfusions, in 1982, they gave her donated blood without our knowledge; and we learned in 1992 that she was infected with HIV... In 1995, Dad died. ... She[my mother] died January 28,1998. I have yet to be able to accept it. She was such a good mother, a good person, a good friend. She was truly my very best friend. The only one who knew what I felt and who I could talk to. She knew how deeply I felt things. Her death was a murder in my eyes. She never wanted the transfusion and we had donors lined up, but was told it was unnecessary... They took away her choice and, hence, took away her life; which, in turn, took away mine. ...On January 16, 1999, my sister died - another victim of the medical profession, another cremation to arrange. The morning of the call, I had just dozed off on the couch with my little Joei (the poodle that my mother found for us). I had just arrived back from the nursing home and intended to go back early that morning, but it was too late. Just before I left my sister, she reached up and pulled me down to her and hugged me. I felt then, that she was saying "thank you" and "good-bye." Why didn't I stay? I'll always regret leaving her. The only family I had left was my little Joei. In March of 1999, I felt that he was tiring too easily on his walks and inquired about his heart. The vet said he was o.k. I continued to voice my concerns and told her of various things that I'd noticed regarding his breathing. She continued to say that he was ok. In July, 1999, my best friend collapsed of heart failure. I rushed him to the ER, where he was stabilized. I had him checked by a specialist. I pampered him very carefully. Carried him for most of his walks. Fed him only the right foods and checked on various medications. I arranged for home care visits from the vet. Sadly, in June of 2000, I was forced to put my best friend to sleep - forever. I arranged on an emergency basis to have it done at home. I couldn't bear the thought of facing the clinical environment again and knowing why I was bringing him there. He lay on the couch, in the same spot where my mother always sat. He couldn't get up. The vet came and I sat with him all the way through it. As I write this very lengthy letter - I apologize for the length - my tears are once again pouring down my face. I don't know what to do. I keep trying to move on, but I just can't seem to make anything work for me. I cry almost every day. I have vowed to try to deal with it the best I can and move on and make a life for myself. I know that my mother would want that for me. What I can't accept is the reason I lost 3 family members. My father's death was hard, but I was able to deal with it; knowing that it wasn't anyone's fault and that, sadly, things happen. However, losing my sister, my mother, and even the dog to negligence is something I just can't accept. Three lives lost, for no good reason; a fourth(mine) ruined; yet no apologies from anyone. I must deal with the result of their actions, and they get to move on with their lives. I try, I really do; but I'm so scared and lonely. I used to be very optimistic and always thought there wasn't anything I couldn't do. These days, everything is a struggle. [Susan] Dear Laura: This is Susan again, the one who lost her entire family. I know I sent you a long message last night, but, believe me, there were many things I didn't include, partly because it's very hard for me to express my true inner feelings to anyone; and, secondly, because I was crying so much. What I wanted to add, is that for me to communicate with anyone who labels themselves "DR," is extraordinarily difficult for me. Even when I deal with the vet for my new puppy, I let them know up front that I can't and don't use the term doctor. The bitterness I fell just doesn't subside and I know that bitterness will only destroy me; eating me up from the inside. For the past few years, if I so much as see an MD plate on the car in front of me, I feel all the anger well up inside of me. I don't see them as "healers," I see them as murderers with a license to kill with absolutely no need to confess their guilt to anyone. As a matter of fact, I see how easy it is for them to suddenly blame it on the victim, the family and then as an act of God. The bottom line is that I'm alone. When I lost my mother, I lost my very best friend. I know many people say this, but in this case it's actually true. We were joined at the hip and did everything together and enjoyed it. When my mother went anywhere, and if I wasn't there or they didn't see me, they always asked, because it was so unusual for me not to be there beside her. I've heard that true soul mates don't have to have romantic love, just a true love with a deep connection where your life is part of theirs and theirs is a part of yours; and that it's as if the two are connected somehow. If that is true, then my mother was indeed my soul mate... I have so many questions and I know that there really are no answers. How could God have let this happen to my whole family? My family always was my main concern and love. They say you don't know what you have until you lose it, but that's not always true. I always knew I was lucky to have the parents that I did. I always loved them and respected them. People always knew it because they saw how I included them in my plans. In terms of my sister: while we didn't get along when we were younger, I really think she was changing and we would have bonded more as the years went by and she learned to more fully appreciate her family. I think if she were around now, she would have been a really big help to me. Even while she was in the nursing home, she had speech difficulties and memory problems, but she always seemed to understand how hard things were on me... I need closure - in particular for my mother - and I don't know how to attain it. I tried legal action as a means, just so I could hear someone have to take responsibility for what happened; but the lawyers bungled the case and it was dismissed. One doctor even contacted my mother's doctor and said he didn't understand why we held him responsible, after all he had no part in what happened?!!!! Do you know what that felt like? It was as if he blamed my mother for what happened. But she didn't give herself the transfusion. She wasn't the one who ignore her wishes to use only known donors if a transfusion was necessary. I now suffer from high blood pressure and see the doctor about every 3 months - not an easy thing for me to do. I sit in the waiting room or the office and just feel the anger in me. I began suffering chest pains that he wanted to have checked out. I was sent to a cardiologist,... Just having to be in another doctor's office freaks me out. As I wait, I'm climbing the walls and ready to run out. As I speak to the doctor, I'm just going through the motions. I don't trust them and I don't like them. I feel as though life has lost it's meaning for me. It has certainly lost direction. While everyone was sick, I wasn't working because taking care of everything medical and legal was, in itself, a full-time job. It took 14 years out of my professional life. Finally, after about 2 months after my mother's death, I contacted a head hunter who, during my active years, was always ready, willling, and eager to place me. I realized that I'd better get started and out of the house. I called and explained my circumstances and what I was looking for. I specifically asked if it was worthwhile to meet. He assured me it was. Well, we met and he brought another woman in and we spoke for a little while and then I was told, "it's been so long that you're virtually unmarketable." This was definitely not something I needed to hear. Here I was forcing myself to move on in someway, and then I'm rejected - even after trying to prevent it by making the initial call and explaining the entire circumstances. The stress has gotten so bad that I suffer from severe chronic headaches, and to start a new full time job is very difficult. The doctors don't seem to be of any help. (Yes, I have tried.) As it turns out, maybe not getting the job then was a good thing, because I couldn't have been with my sister when she took a turn for the worse without jeopardizing my new job; and I, certainly, couldn't have been with my little Joei when he needed me most, during the last year of his life. I just don't know where to turn or how to pick up the pieces. Everytime I try I get slapped down or a door shut in my face. How could life have gone so wrong? How could God(if there is one) have allowed so much sorrow to happen to one family? If there is a God, how could He have made my loved ones suffer so? They suffered endlessly and there is no justice for them. I hope you have something to say, something to offer; just please don't recommend therapy because I just can't go. I refuse to support the medical profession. I refuse to go and have to hold back my feelings about the very person I'm talking to. If you read this, thank you very much for your time. [Susan] Dear Susan: This has been a difficult letter to answer... Why have these terrible things happened to your family? You may never know. But, one thing I did hear as I read - and reread - your letter was that there are, mixed in among the sadness and the pain, many blessings. The wonderful bond that you had with your mother many people never experience at all. You were very fortunate - you obviously know this. Your mother has left you with a legacy of love and strength. Draw now on these precious reserves. As the sole survivor of your family, you owe it to their memory not to allow this cycle of tragedy to continue. You need to take care of yourself. You already have taken a few steps in the right direction. Adopting a new puppy shows that you are not a quitter, that there is still a lot of fight in you as well as a continuing love of life. You said that you need closure - this is true. While it may not take the form of what you would want, you must, at least, come to a place in your own mind where you can understand and make some sense out of what has happened. (I recommend that you read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Many have found it helpful.) You do need to go on, but your mother would not want you to be suffering so. The anger that you have is eating you up inside. You need to find a constructive outlet for it. It's doubtful that anything else can be done in the courts. Having reached that stone wall, please do not continue to bang your head against it needlessly. You are only hurting yourself, and putting yourself in a position where you will be eventually under a doctor's care and control - which I know you do not want. Concentrate on making yourself strong again mentally, physically, and spiritually - that should be your goal. Let your life be a shining tribute to your family's memory. You owe them and yourself that much. Laura Dear Laura: I wrote to you the other day about me being in whatever I am in because my baby boy passed away five months ago, and I am 28 and he was my second child. So is this normal? I stay numb in a way because I miss him. I never got to bring him home. He had to stay in the hospital and he lived 15 days and they only gave him 5 days. I never heard him cry and, the worse part, I never got to hold him until after he died and I did not want to let go but now a piece of my heart is so empty. What do I do? Thank you, [confused] Dear confused: What you're feeling is very normal. You're numb because you were never allowed to experience the reality of your loss. You need to go through the motions of mourning which you were denied by the sterility of that hospital setting. What you have to do to heal your heart is to once again experience your loss, and, this time, to properly - and on your own terms - say goodbye. It will hurt, but it can be the beginning of your healing. To do this, find a quiet place and time where you can talk to your little angel. See yourself holding him in your arms as you tell him that you love and miss him. Do this whenever you feel the need. Let yourself cry, let yourself express your love. Your heart will heal once the enormity of your loss has been properly acknowledged and you can come to peace with what has occured. You cannot now change the events of the past, but you can decide to let go of the sadness and embrace the love that will always exists between you and your child. Know that our hearts and prayers are with you. Laura Dear Laura: I lost my dear father, my pet dog, and my beloved husband in the last 6 months. I have taken these losses, but, sometimes, the the pain is too much to bear. At times, I wonder if it is preparatory to my own journey. I have two loving daughters who are far away. I am an Indian and live in India. I am trying to keep the balance beyween the past and present which at times becomes too much to bear. I strayed into your site like a lost stranger and have found a little place to rest before [continuing] on my painful path once again. [and in another letter]... Often, I think of the life what it was 6 months ago and what it is today .It is very painful at times to accept the reality. I am a counselor, but never in my life did I think that it could happen to me. I am 53 years old and have 2 daughters who live abroad,but are loving and very caring. I am a social worker and have been humble to all. At one time, I thought I was the most lucky person on earth. I thank the God for what I still I have. And pray that I take the right decisions for my life ahead and can live independently. I still take the tranquilizers some time given by my docter on really hard days when the past comes in memories. My father, my dog, and my beloved husband are just memories now. I strayed into your site on the Iinternet when I was trying to find some site on counseling... and was drawn to your life line. It is a life line for me now. I am trying to put my mind to learn some new and unexplored world of people who have come stronger despite their misfortunes, perhaps in greater pain then mine.Thanks again for being there. [Anand] Dear Anand: We each have our own pathway which intertwines with other souls as we move through life. If we are fortunate, we will spend part of our brief time on earth with someone special, and we will be the better for it. But what we must not allow to happen is to see our own life as at an end when our loved one passes on. While the intensity of your loss is an indicator of the deep bond that you still share with those who have touched you, do not allow that which was once a source of joy to now eat away at your soul. Your journey is not at an end. You must look ahead as well as behind. You still have much to do in this life. Never think of those who have passed on as merely a memory. They are by your side now and for always. The bonds of love that we create in life can never be broken by death. And what of your daughters who, though adults, still need and love you? Anand, you are surrounded by love. You must know that it is the depression which is making you doubt this fact. You will eventually be well again if, along with your doctor's care, you draw on these reserves of love from your family still here with you on earth as well as those who now watch over you from heaven. Laura Dear Laura: Last week, an eleven-year-old girl in the 5th and 6th grade class of our private school died suddenly at home. She had some medical problems but the death came as a shock. This girl was sweet and kind, but not accepted by the other kids in her class. Many of the twenty other kids in the class are dealing with feelings of guilt, as well as grief and maybe fear that death can come so suddenly. On Monday, 12/4, I will be speaking with the kids in the classroom and in small groups or individually to help them through this crisis. I am an MFCC but have no specific experience with grief counseling in this type of situation. I would like some suggestions re: some things I could do with the kids that would help them to process this tragedy and use it to change their own lives in a positive way. I would welcome any comments. Thanks, D.C. Dear DC: A few suggestions: 1) You need to be up front with the children about what has happened. You do not need to be graphic, but there must be an acknowledgement of her passing. The main thing is for the children to be allowed to express their feelings - and they will run the gamut, just as with adults: some will be afraid, some angry, some sad, some in denial. 2) Children are much more susceptible to feelings of guilt than adults, since children cannot call upon their intellectual resources to persuade themselves of their innocence. Your main responsibility will be to reassure them that they are not in danger and likewise they are not at fault for what has happened. For those of the children who might not accept your reassurances, you can also phrase your words in terms such as: life is like a schoolroom where we all, our whole lives, are students. If any of them still feel a bit guilty of something that they could have done or not done, guide them to see this experience as a lesson: that they will promise - not you but themselves - that they will be nicer to and more considerate of others from now on. That is the best any of us can do, child or adult. 3) Be aware that a child of this age is not only sensitive to her own feelings, but can now enter into the feelings of others. As a result, she is more understanding of what the loss may mean to others. In short, she can empathize. The more psychologically advanced of the children not only need support, but can be a source of support and comfort for others. Opportunities to be helpful to others during the crisis can actually help the child deal with his own feelings. You may want to arrange for the children to make sympathy cards to be sent to the family or collect money for flowers. Giving the children something constructive to do can give them a feeling of control over the situation and deflect some of their feelings of fear and powerlessness. I must say you have a real job before you - but an important one. Our prayers are with you. Laura Dear Laura: I've just lost my 20-year-old niece in a car crash and am lost as to how to help my sister and family through this crisis. She was to be married in 3 weeks, which just makes the situation even harder. My 3-year-old was going to be the flower girl - I haven't been able to tell her yet. In the midst of all this, I find myself(ashamedly) angry with her for driving too fast/not being careful, etc. Is this normal? [TT] Dear TT: It's very normal to feel anger, mixed in with the sadness and the shock. We all need to find a cause for things, to be able to put some order or sense to what has happened so that we can gain some feeling of control over our lives. It may very well be that she was driving recklessly, but what can be done now? Also, it's often easier to allow ourselves to feel the shallow emotions rather than the deeper ones. You find yourself focusing on what her death has caused the family: the missed wedding, the plans that will have to be altered... but, just below the surface, are those more intense - scary - emotions of fear and extreme sadness. You need to confront what has happened: there will be no wedding, your whole family has been changed - but you can make it a change for the better. Take this as a lesson that every day is sacred, not just those which we single out as special. We need to celebrate each day, not save all of our energies only for a few. All of you will need time to adjust. Help the children.Your daughter needs to be told so that she can come to accept the disappointment that all of you naturally feel. Use this tragic event as a means by which your family will grow only stronger. Let your shared sadness bring you closer together, do not allow it to pull you apart. Laura Dear Laura: My mother passed away two years ago and there are still times I get very mad at her. I never cried when my mother left us; I felt I had to be strong for my dad and brothers and sister. I am the youngest of four kids, and, before my mom passed away, I did everything for her: I took her to the doctor, I took her to the store. I miss those times we had together. Will I ever get over being so mad at her? [S.S.] Dear SS: I wonder if anyone in your family has ever thanked you for what you did for your mother - and for them, really(taking on such a responsibility)? Yes, you miss her and you're angry - but you're not angry at her. There's a jumble of emotions inside of you that has to be sorted out. You did a lot for your mother; you need an acknowledgement of what you did. True, you wanted to do it, but, yet, you sacrificed much to help her. Once you realize the source of your anger(anger may be too harsh a word), you'll be better able to work through it. Maybe your brothers and sister assume that you know how much they appreciate your efforts. To find out for sure is going to be tricky. At this late date, they could interpret your mentioning it as criticizing them for not pitching in more. You know them best, but you may just have to accept what is and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you did the right thing. Laura Dear Laura: I guess I'm looking for a life line. I'm 60, my husband of 42 years will be 64 in a few days. He and one of his employees were recently accused of sexual harrassment by a female employee. She became angry, left her job, and filed for unemployment. No legal action came of the accusation. The offended employee was, in fact, back on the job one week later after meeting with reps at the corporate office, and my husband says his job is as secure as ever and that he was not reprimanded in any way. My husband did not tell me about the situation. Another person told me when she heard the female employee was saying she was going to sue for an enormous sum. I believe the person (my niece) told me with no malicious intent. She is close to someone who works for my husband and said she told me so that I might be able to protect myself and assets. As things developed, I became aware that my husband apparently has a reputation among some of his staff for liking the women, for making off-color remarks, for talking about sex. My husband has acknowledged some of this but insists that none of it was to the extent claimed by some of his staff. I have been devastated by all this... hurt, humiliated. In a two-week period my husband left home twice because he was so angry that I was so angry. Once, he was gone 3 nights and 2 full days with no contact with me or our grown children until he called me at noon on the third day and asked if he could come home. When the anger and heated discussions continued to erupt, he left again several days later and was gone four days, during which he made contact with our children but not with me. My reactions to all this are impossible for me to understand. I visited with a counselor, who happens to know both of us, for over two hours. I explained that I was not trying to make my husband the villain in all this and that I was not the perfect person either, but I gave him a clear picture of our history. My husband's affair 20 years ago, my knowledge of his too friendly ways with women, his lack of the 18" personal space most of us have, his almost total lack of financial accuity or responsibility, his affair was with a woman who worked for him in a city 115 miles from us. He brought the affair into our family by involving the woman and her family with our family on a day-trip to the mountains, had her in our home with a group of employees, and took our young daughter and me to her home for supper and to attend a football game with her and her family. Since the affair, the dynamics of our marriage have changed dramatically. My parents died soon afterwards leaving me with a modest - but substantial to me - inheritance. I kept the money as my separate property, investing it wisely, I think... although, we have, of course, used some proceeds to enhance our lives in some ways. He also implored me, and I acquieseced, two different times for a sum of $5,000 ($10,000 total) for whims of his. I have stood by this man through more job changes than I can accurately count, but at least 15 during our marriage, through financial woes from the beginning, through bankruptcy. As a stay-at-home mom for 16+ years: I cut my own hair; cut our kids' hair; sewed a lot, including clothing for myself and our daughter; cooked; was always where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be; knew where our kids were; did the den mother, room mother, team mother bit; everyone always knew where I was, etc. I WAS NOT the perfect wife and mother and have never claimed to be. After I started working, at my husband's request, the balance shifted some. I have been fortunate to have responsible, challenging positions working in two state/public organizations. I have now worked and built up a retirement of 25+ years since both organizations have the same state retirement plan. My husband has no retirement. I can make it on my own. I realize now that I should have left the marriage 20 years ago, but I honestly believed it was my responsibility to keep the marriage and family together. I have never had an affair or been involved with another man. My husband agrees that the marriage has been more important to me than to him... but, in the next breath, tells me I'm his "whole life." We met at 15 and 18 and married at 18 and 21. We have lived a lifetime together. A divorce after 42 years sounds bizarre, but I believe that he's like a "loose canon" and I never know when he's going to "go off" (have some life-impacting crisis) again. I've thought perhaps early Alzheimer's Disease or dementia might have some part in this most recent heartache, but I really know the problems have always been there to one degree or another. I can't see myself alone at this age, and I do worry about him and his physical and mental well-being even now. Am I similar to a battered woman who has been emotionally mistreated but is afraid to leave? What do I do now? I've even thought about divorce just to protect myself. He doesn't want to go for counseling. At times he insists that he has done NOTHING wrong; at other times he acknowledges that we both have. Meanwhile, we call a truce until the anger erupts again. There must be other women of my generation who face similar lives. Help! [Beth] And, in a follow-up letter... I'm
so sure there are others in my generation who apparently believe that we must make the
best of what our marriages bring us... and who, like me, could use a life line ... Any
life line that would help us understand, give us a clearer view of our emotions, or
offer us a solution or advice. My 30-year-old daughter has indicated to me that she
believes women in my generation were taught to tough it out and make the best of it, and
she says that most women her age just aren't willing to "settle" for the status
quo. The counselor I spoke with is a Christian who says that he doesn't know if
I could ever bring myself to file for divorce but that it's clear that I've been bailing
water with a bucket in a sinking boat with no help. While my situation does not fall
into grief as we usually interpret it, I am nevertheless grieving and the stages of
grief apply, I think. Thanks so much for listening. [Beth] |
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